Scent of Plumeria

[jdelacroix]

Light pierced
my shuttered eyes.
Hyperopic images
of laced curtain
danced with the breeze,
like the last moments of her
on a fabricated meadow
of sleep.

Her Plumeria aroma
lingered,
but the reek
of drooled pillow
insisted it was morning
and I was late for class.

I told teacher
that Morpheus was a girl
playing pranks
to keep boys like me
asleep.

She laughed.
I was only nine.

[addy]

Loved this one. Your lines were very dreamy, perfectly capturing the foggy sensations of waking up. And the drooled-on pillow is so perfectly boyish.

Would you maybe consider changing the title? It kind of spoils the last line, taking away a lot of the impact. The alternative is changing the last line, but I quite like it as it is.

[billy]

Light pierced
my shuttered eyes "shuttered feels awkward. i presume it's a
merging synonym for blinkered"
hyperopic images
of the laced curtain
dancing
with the breeze like
the last moments of her
twirling
on a fabricated meadow
of my sleep.
Her Plumeria aroma
lingered,
but the reek
of the drooled pillow
insisted it was morning
and I was late for class.

I told my teacher that Morpheus
was a girl playing pranks
of keeping boys like me
asleep. She laughed.
I was only nine.

hyperopic, it's the first time i've seen it's use in a poem and i do understand what it means.

the first sentence runs on with 30 words. even the line breaks doesn't give the reader a breather. try to keep a sentence around the ten word or less mark. the haiku has 17 syllables which is considered the length of one breath.

try and cut any words that don't add.

the in L5, my in L11, the L15. once you sort out the sentence length you'll be able to cut a few more.

i think the enjambment could do with a bit of a overhaul.
IE;

I told my teacher that Morpheus
was a girl playing pranks
of keeping boys like me
asleep. She laughed.
I was only nine.

to;

I told my teacher
Morpheus was a girl
playing pranks
to keep boys like me
asleep.

She laughed.
I was only nine.

try to lessen the amount of gerunds.

all in all i enjoyed the excuse and the imagery in the poem. i think it has a freshness. i suggest keeping the last two lines separate as they're the punch line. jmo to use or discard. thanks for the read.

[jdelacroix]

I made the revisions. I'll try to find the time to comment the other poems. I've been busy with work.

[billy]

Light pierced
my shuttered eyes
merging
hyperopic images
of laced curtain
dancing
with the breeze,
like the last moments of her
twirling
on a fabricated meadow
of sleep.

Her Plumeria aroma
lingered,
but the reek
of drooled pillow
insisted it was morning
and I was late for class.

I told teacher
that Morpheus was a girl
playing pranks
to keep boys like me
asleep.

She laughed.
I was only nine.

first off, it's always best to keep copy and paste the original JD.

the last seven lines read much better to me now.

the first stanza for me is just one big sentence.

this is what you have;

Light pierced
my shuttered eyes
merging
hyperopic images
of laced curtain
dancing
with the breeze,
like the last moments of her
twirling
on a fabricated meadow
of sleep.

not saying this is how it would read better, it's just an example.

Light pierced
my shuttered eyes.
hyperopic images
of laced curtain
danced with the breeze.
Twirling her last moments
on a fabricated
meadow of sleep.

not much of a change, nothing added. just a re arranging of what you already have. jmo. maybe you could do something similar. just remember the reader needs time to breathe when they read a sentence.. nice edit so far JD

[addy]

One technique my sister taught me is to read your poem out loud. If you start feeling out of breath, then you definitely need to break your phrases up some more

[jdelacroix]

One technique my sister taught me is to read your poem out loud. If you start feeling out of breath, then you definitely need to break your phrases up some more

I broke the uber long sentence and applied the technique and it turned out well after reading. I hope the effects have improved.