nicotine and the ways of the universe

[addy]

Final thing on the edit Indie ... i don't think "that I watched her drink" (in stanza 2) is a particularly strong enough line to stand on its won; there's nothing of interest in it. Just my take. Aside from that, everything else was good for me

[Indie]

Thanks Addy, I'll have a think over how to remedy that.

[Timmycom]

V:2
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes
at the park, while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I watched her drink
thinking how inappropriate it was
that I wanted to bum a smoke off her
when I had the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore)

We got to talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
with a cigarette for me, to break the month
since the last time I gave in
to temptation

---

V:1
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes at the park
while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore)

We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure
of nicotine

This is the kind of poetry I LOVE. Understated and clever in such a way that it's relatable and yet moral. Exposing as well in that says something about modern life as well as the subjects too. Life is hard, and yet sometimes that's what makes it beautiful...

Love the rhyme of pide and five. I thought that was really neat.

[Philatone]

hey indie!
i'm late and haven't read other comments, so i'm coming in with a big (dis)advantage--see it whatever you prefer. anyways, the thoughts I had

V:2

Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes
at the park, while I sat eating chips ...there are just a few extra words in the stanza that i'm not convinced you need--the "her" before belongings, the "sat" could just be "while I ate chips" because no sitting or bench ever appears in the rest of the piece. in general, this is my biggest comment--there are tiny extra words that may not be needed

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I watched her drink
thinking how inappropriate it was
that I wanted to bum a smoke off her...not a fan of "that"; it can be a weak word and in these cases, there are ways around it
when I had the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore) ...really like the idea in this stanza; well-expressed

We got to talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza...i think that it's the ducks that are picking
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe...for a poem that relies on specific words, "universe" felt very broad
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
with a cigarette for me, to break the month
since the last time I gave in
to temptation

---

V:1
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes at the park
while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore)

We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure
of nicotine

like the idea and most of the writing; again, there does seem to be some excess in the execution

[Indie]

Thank you Philatone, I see where you're coming from with the extra words. In verse one, "her" refers to her belongings, denoting ownership. To take out "her" they could have been stolen belonging. I added in sat, because again, the character could be standing or walking around.

Overusing "that" is something I know I have to work on. It's one of those word traps that I fall into all the time.

"Universe" was meant to be a broad term in contrast to the rest of the poem.

Thanks again. I'll definitely consider your advice for the next edit.