nicotine and the ways of the universe

[Indie]

V:2
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes
at the park, while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I watched her drink
thinking how inappropriate it was
that I wanted to bum a smoke off her
when I had the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore)

We got to talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
with a cigarette for me, to break the month
since the last time I gave in
to temptation

---

V:1
Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongings in the bushes at the park
while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore)

We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure
of nicotine

[billy]

Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongs in the bushes at the park
while I sat eating chips for me this would make a stronger start, with the 1st line (without today) becoming the 2nd line

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t even smoke) an any more would tell a better truth i like the narrative

We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride)
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner more good narrative.
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure
of nicotine the title says it all so this line feel forced. is it needed?

i like the piece but i'm not sure it's one of those grammar free pieces. in places i was stopped unduly to look for a period or comma that wasn't there. i think you could help somewhat by restructuring the poem a little different. but it's only a suggestion.
i like the kindness that's held within the poem. and the way her problems are played off against the 1st persons failure at giving up cigs

thanks for the read.

[Indie]

Thanks for your feedback Billy I changed (ignoring the fact that I don’t even smoke) to (ignoring the fact that I don’t smoke anymore). I like the beginning lines in the order they're in, though I can see where you're coming from. I also get where what you mean about the ending. Would tobacco suffice as a change or should do you think I should rewrite the last few lines to accommodate?

All Jack's yelling at me over my over use of grammar has sunk in. Much the the minor horror of this piece. I'll remedy that in the next edit.

[penguin]

Hello Indie. It's a nice read, though the ending is a bit flat.

Today I watched a homeless woman
stash her belongs in the bushes at the park - is there such a noun as belongs? Maybe just "stash her belongings in the bushes"?
while I sat eating chips

She asked me to watch her stuff
while she went over to the bottle-o
to buy one can of bourbon and coke
that I’m now watching her drink - isn't the tense wrong here?
and thinking how inappropriate it is
that I want to bum a smoke off her
when I have the money to buy my own
(ignoring the fact that I don’t even smoke)

We got talking over the ducks
picking at someone’s discarded pizza
on the ground - don't think you need this line

Four hours later
and we’d discussed the universe - straightened out the universe?
I bought a cigarette off her for a $1
(‘cause even the poor have pride) - introduces a wrong note, I think
and made the $3.35 in her pocket
$4.35 – enough to buy her dinner
and a cigarette for me to break the month
since the last time I gave in to the lure - I'd end the poem on "I gave in"
of nicotine

[Indie]

Thank you Penguin I'm surprised no one picked up belongs-belongings before. I half wrote this, on my phone, while at the park. I'll remedy verse two as well.

"On the ground" is needed in verse three as there was play equipment and seats and benches and a barbeque. The ducks could have been eating it off anything, and there is the subtext of us both looking down, sharing a moment.

(‘cause even the poor have pride) - is staying the way it is, and it's better than what I'd originally written. (I pondered and rewrote that line many times before I posted it here) A lot of people don't know that the poor just don't/won't take money that is handed to them regardless of their situation (homeless of not) which is why I bought the cigarette off her.

Last verse, we didn't straighten out the universe, nothing changed, nothing was solved. And thanks for the ending note. I like it.

Peace, Indie

[billy]

i like the idea of in being the last word but think if it's going to be short change gave in to caved in.

[addy]

Great read. I like the easiness and deftness with which the issues play off one another. There's seriousness to it, but there was no pressure to be. Just moments of great story.

The others already gave pretty good suggestions. My minor nit would be that perhaps you could do without using parentheses in those couple of lines. i personally don't think they're necessary, since you make it clear the POV is an internal monologue / thought process already anyway.

[Indie]

Thank you Addy, I'll take that into consideration for the edit

---

i like the idea of in being the last word but think if it's going to be short change gave in to caved in.

Thank you Billy, I'll keep that in mind .

[Erthona]

I thought present tense would work better with this piece.
Dale
--------------------------------------------------------------

[Indie]

thank you Dale, but this is mild critique and regardless of your efforts, your rewrite is entirely inappropriate.

[Erthona]

i agree, please people. yes dale, you in this instance are the "people," don't over do it, rewrite a line or two by all means if it's to show what you mean but leave the rewrites and edits to the poet.

Yes, sorry. I did not note it was in mild also. Offensive material removed.

Dale

---

thank you Dale, but this is mild critique and regardless of your efforts, your rewrite is entirely inappropriate.

So noted

[billy]

it really is easy to do.
i've left serious crit in the for fun forum before now and have made similar mistakes both here and in novice.
thank for understanding

[Indie]

Thank you Billy and Dale.

[Indie]

Edit up ^

[penguin]

What is a bottle-o, by the way? And can you really but bourbon and coke in a can? I think, in that last verse you need "and a cigarette for me". I still think "straightened out the universe" would be better. It is ironic - people talk of this and that for several hours and feel better for it but nothing actuall;y changes.

[Indie]

Thanks Penguin for your feedback. In Australia a bottle-o is a liquor store, and yes you can put bourbon and coke in a can, they sell them singularly or in packs. I appreciate your time and advice, but when all is said and done it's my choice whether or not I use what you've suggested.

[billy]

just the one suggestion, would 'where i ate'
work better than while i ate?

[Indie]

just the one suggestion, would 'where i ate'
work better than while i ate?

Thanks Billy, but I think the "where" would imply that I was sitting in the bushes.

[billy]

touché biatch

[penguin]

Thanks Penguin for your feedback. In Australia a bottle-o is a liquor store, and yes you can put bourbon and coke in a can, they sell them singularly or in packs. I appreciate your time and advice, but when all is said and done it's my choice whether or not I use what you've suggested.

Of course, and I wouldn't wish it any other way!

Best Wishes, Ray