Family Meal v.2

[Universalchild]

Old poem, fancy giving it a new lease on life.

I accidently deleted v.1, I will add again in a bit!

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v.2


We are what we eat.
Remains of beasts,
leaving stains on heart and cloth.

Cooked to perfection, our guilt is scoured
with washed red hands, suffering is seared,
cruelty bathed in wines, roasted with herbs.

The aroma of abattoirs is smothered
with sauces, cries are stifled with spices,
moans choked with crusts.

We soon forget the nature,
there was no life,
only the dream of breath.

Exhausted, the torment is tender,
the forsaken flavours of flesh
entice each man,
death digests,
drips down from lips,
shame pushed aside for pleasure,
cut to the bone.

[Leanne]

We are what we eat,
become remains of beasts,
leaving stains on heart and cloth. -- a fine beginning, especially this last line

Cooked to perfection, our guilt is washed away -- two overused phrases could be combined into something new, like "our guilt is boiled away" or even "flensed"
with washed red hands, suffering is seared, -- if you leave "washed" in the first line, you really need to remove it from this one
cruelty bathed in wines, roasted with herbs.
We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.

The aroma of abattoirs is smothered
with sauces, cries are stifled with spices,
moans choked with crusts.

Exhausted, the torment is tender, the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice each man,
death digests, drips down
from lips, shame pushed aside for pleasure,
left only is the bone.

I won't pretend this doesn't make me a bit hungry for a steak

I like what you're doing here and think that if you're careful to stick to the metaphor and not get sidetracked, you will have a really good poem.

[billy]

have to go shopping not but after a quicky i can say i like it. will leave some kind of better feedback to this and others when i buy the goodies.

[billy]

Old poem, fancy giving it a new lease on life.

-------


We are what we eat, even though it's cliche, i'd set this line apart somehow. make it a statement for things to come.
become remains of beasts,
leaving stains on heart and cloth.

Cooked to perfection, our guilt is washed away cliche
with washed red hands, suffering is seared, one of the washed doesn't work
cruelty bathed in wines, roasted with herbs.
We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.i like the image in this narrative, some strong lines

The aroma of abattoirs is smothered
with sauces, cries are stifled with spices,
moans choked with crusts. i think this is really good. most vegans will be nodding their heads now saying "we know what you mean"

Exhausted, the torment is tender, the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice each man,
death digests, drips down
from lips, shame pushed aside for pleasure,
left only is the bone.

i've had my two constructives up top, cliche aren't verboten but we do have to be careful with them as they often weaken a poem. the same with some of the small words. 'become' on the 2nd line and the 'is' in line 10 is extra to requirement. i think it a solid write with some good imagery. (flavors would look better starting the next line. )

thanks for the read.

[Universalchild]

@Leanne

Thank-you, I will try and think of a different way of expressing guilt being washed away. The repetition was meant to be intentional but if it doesn't work it doesn't work.

: P Well I failed in my point then.

Although it is a "vegetarian" poem it is more meant to be about factory farming and the abuse and cruelty animals go through before getting to the plate. I'm not anti-meat in particular, just anti-cruelty.

@billy

Yeah I'll change one of the washed's and tidy it up a bit.

The poem is meant to be about cruelty more then anti-meat completely, but I think it carries across that way. Hnn..

[billy]

i think it does have a feel or guilt about it , and not one thats too preachy either whuch is good.

there are many words or phrases you could substitue for washing guilt away. absolved red hands though i'm sure theres much better to e thought of

[Todd]

Hi Phaedra,

Good poem you have here. A few suggestions to think about:

Old poem, fancy giving it a new lease on life.

-------


We are what we eat,
become remains of beasts,
leaving stains on heart and cloth.

Cooked to perfection, our guilt is washed away
with washed red hands, suffering is seared,
cruelty bathed in wines, roasted with herbs.
We soon forget the nature,--consider moving these three lines to the end of the poem. I think they would be a stronger ending. Going next to "the aroma..." would continue to build on your thoughts
pretend that there was no life,--you could cut that
only the dream of a breath.--cutting a would make this pop more

The aroma of abattoirs is smothered
with sauces, cries are stifled with spices,
moans choked with crusts.

Exhausted, the torment is tender, the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice each man,
death digests, drips down
from lips, shame pushed aside for pleasure,
left only is the bone.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Universalchild]

That was all very helpful, I will consider what you have said and hopefully make an edit tomorrow.

[Leanne]

@Leanne

:p Well I failed in my point then.

Although it is a "vegetarian" poem it is more meant to be about factory farming and the abuse and cruelty animals go through before getting to the plate. I'm not anti-meat in particular, just anti-cruelty.

I'm just messing with you Phaedra -- the message is actually quite well-drawn. There are few things more despicable than feed-lot farming or factory chickens.

[penguin]

Phaedra. I like this, you seem to do this sort of thing much better than your rhymed poetry.
I'd stick a full stop at the end of the first line - make it stand out.
I'd question whether you need these lines

We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.

the descriptions say much more. moans choked with crusts is very effective.I like most of the last verse, too. You could rearrange a little

Exhausted, the torment is tender,
the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice, death digests,
drips down from lips,
shame pushed aside for pleasure,
cut to the bone.

Best Wishes, Ray

[Universalchild]

@Leanne

It's definitely an issue worth talking about. Luckily, most people genuinely do seem to care, even if they can't afford free-range food.

@penguin

I have a fondness for rhyming but sometimes I do allow it to take over my writing. I went through an awful stage of forcing all of my poetry to rhyme and even changed all my old poems. Bad move. Lucky I missed this one.

Thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely take them into consideration when I do the edit.