Poetry Chess Game -- Brandon vs. Todd

[brandontoh]

Nice couplet. =) I like how much it says in just 2 lines. Guess I'll return your move with a couplet too.

Cuban Missile Crisis
Bd2

Eyeball to eyeball,
And you're going to blink.

[Todd]

Fantastic title given that this is a face off between two bishops. I guess I'll go with the theology. Here goes.

The Schism of Word and Number

Bxd2+

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number.

The tree, with fruit blossoming
in metaphor, was also not a tree.
That was the way of the word.

Six days could see the great lizards
buried beneath ice and fire.
The sun was light, and chariot, and flower.
The word craved this nuance.

The world was abstract in those days
without census.
The animals were named
to feel joy of syllables.
Giraffe was a happy gurgle.
Sin was not yet defined.

Or, in the beginning was the null set.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.
Giraffe was a cipher to extract.
Sin was a tally.

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
orthodoxy and heresy
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.
Q.E.D.

[brandontoh]

Nice poem! =D Really enjoyed reading it. I like the way the stanzas are divided and the imagery as a whole. Maybe post it up in one of the critique sections? =x

Good Night
Nbxd2

Before I sleep,
I wish the world:
"Good night."

Then I switch off the light.

Before she closes her eyes,
I wish her:
"Good night."

Then He switches off her eyes' sparkle.

----------------------
Here's an extra stanza that didn't make it into the poem. =x

Before we get on the bed,
She wishes me:
"Good night."

And I know we won't sleep that night.

[Todd]

Great play on words with Night. One minor tweak for the rhyme (maybe just light). You ended the poem at the right place, while I like the extra stanza on its own. This line, "Then He switched off her eyes' sparkle" is a fantastic close.

Here's my next move.
____

Thunder of Hooves

Nf6

War is also wasted
on the youth.
That is its point.

Battle begins as
a horn of glory,
a crash of waves,
a distant thunder with
the dry anticipation
of lightning.

They march to it;
sing songs of it, like children.
They cannot conceive
of what follows--
of the dreadful quiet,
of the field of flies.

It is much like love.

[brandontoh]

Very clear and effective imagery. The only thing I don't like about it is the last line. But it's mainly a personal bias, because I believe that love is just part of youth. Yeah. Though I'd change the "They cannot conceive" and "of what follows" lines into something like "They end up like" and "The aftermath". I'm just a sucker for similes. =x

The Finger
e5

Slowly, but surely,
It extends.

Upright mast,
Rising, till it's
No longer flaccid.

Symbolism, yes,
But nothing deep.
Unless you want it up
Where the sun doesn't shine.

The message's clear.
From peasant to knight;
Oppressed to oppressor:
Step down your high horse,
And fuck off!

-----------------------------------------

=x By the way it's not meant to be offensive. >< It's because of the pawn structure on the e, f and g files.

[Todd]

Thanks for the notes. Yes you're allowed to use whatever language you like. Use whatever you feel is most effective for the poem. Oh, and on conceive just for reference I meant that in two ways as it applies to war and love. I meant understand and well that other meaning that would imply that they lack sexual maturity. I'll consider the other changes, but I'd like to keep that part of the train of thought.

[brandontoh]

I see. Well, love is something I don't get in general, so it's very likely that it's just me. Looking forward to your next move.

[Todd]

No longer flaccid... Ha. Nothing deep...I wouldn't expect more. That was very funny. The edit works better. I also like how the pawns on the board do look like you're flipping me off. I will choose a pawn to respond to your churlish insults. I'll try a haibun. Here goes.


Pygmalion and Etiquette

dxe5

Elocution has its place, but at the formal table, it is the understanding of utensils that will mark your breeding. Move from the outside, fish course to salad course. The forks are placed at your left hand, knives are on your right. This is not by accident. We are not eating beans from a tin in the American Southwest.

roil of darkening seas
a course set through fog
celestial light shines

[brandontoh]

I'm not very familiar with the haibun, but the poem works, from what I see. I tend not to comment on poems with any form or similarity to prose, but I do see how they work. Such an elitist aura from this poem though.

Triolet: To Chase Your Dream
fxe5

Came across a forking path,
No chance to turn back and run,
Not on the one-track time warpath.
Came across a forking path,
Options clear it ain't no math.
Stable boredom or volatile fun.
Came across a forking path,
No chance to turn back and run.

----------------------------------------
Don't really like the 6th line as it stands, but it's such an important line. ><

[Todd]

I like your use of forking in the poem. On line 6 maybe the or is throwing it off. Here's a triolet to answer yours.


Recipe for Escape

Nd5

It takes the Cheshire's floating grin
and lock picks from Houdini's throat.
Safecracker's touch to feel each pin.
It takes the Cheshire's floating grin
to laugh at fear that eats within.
This is an art, don't think to gloat.
It takes the Cheshire's floating grin,
and lock picks from Houdini's throat.

[brandontoh]

Who knows, maybe your escape is part of my plans. =) Haha~~ I like the use of Cheshire and Houdini. Great choices.

Rondelet- Relentless
Bc4

Don't stop to rest,
Not when surrounded by danger.
Don't stop to rest,
When they're about to cast the net
That eats your skin in its vile tangle.
Run, don't stop, don't trust the grangers.
Don't stop to rest.

[Todd]

Ah now we settle for dueling rondelets (fun). I like the idea of a net that eats your skin. Here's my move and offering:

The Race

Ne3

This steeplechase
with hedgerow over open grave
This steeplechase
Hoofs spark upon a crumbling ledge.
Froth laves the skin in frenzied wave
The pace itself starts to enslave
this steeplechase.

[brandontoh]

Nice word choices. I like the sense of urgency it portrays in just a few lines. Let's continue the duel of different poetic forms. =)

Tetractys - Selina
Qb3

She's
Magic.
A godsend,
Or the devil.
Such sexy innocence, my femme fatale.

--------------------------------------------------------

By the way for the next one I'll be trying to do a Pantoum Sonnet.

[Todd]

Where'd you find this one? It holds together really well for the Queen. Well, I had a key choice here, and I choose attrition. I will try to stick with you in the poetic dueling. I mostly write in free verse so these forms are my first attempts.

Here is my Tetractys, a link to the form http://www.youngwriters.co.uk/tetractys.php and my move:

Whitewashed Tomb

Nxc4

There
is no
religion
in the heart alone.
The seed will not sprout on a barren field.

[brandontoh]

Darn. I was hoping you'd take my g2 pawn. =x The Tetractys is a simple form, but I like the way it looks. Not much to say about yours though. Good title, it helps make the imagery clearer.

Pantoum Sonnet - Things
Nxc4

It lets us live so it can exist,
It lets us live so we think about it.
The world doesn't love us,
Things don't revolve around us.

It lets us live so we think about it,
Our role in the grand scheme of things.
Things don't revolve around us,
Other than our wars and destruction.

Our role in the grand scheme of things,
Maybe is to hug those close to you, since
Other than our wars and destruction,
There's not much idiocy that repeats.

The world doesn't love us,
It lets us live so it can exist.

-------------------------------------------
Gah! This is so cliche. >< I love this form, but this one is so bad. ><

[Todd]

Well, I need to get my head around this form. I'll give one a shot this evening (time permitting). I saw the g2 pawn and the check possibility. It seems like bad things were going to follow from that, and I really wanted to get rid of that bishop. I like your last two lines.

Back soon

[brandontoh]

http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...m%20Sonnet

Here's the form for you. Still can't get over how bad it is. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to force it out of me little mind. =) Tsk, are you saying that bad things will happen if you check my king? Preposterous! I'd like to think that good things will happen. =)

[Todd]

That was my point yes ...thanks for the link.

[Todd]

Here is my Pantoum Sonnet to answer yours.

Happily Never After

0-0

A child's tale is often sad.
Imagination won't transform.
A wardrobe may change king to lad,
but old inside they must conform.

Imagination won't transform.
A frosted cake won't make them grow,
but old inside they must conform.
The looking glass cannot bestow.

A frosted cake won't make them grow,
nor shattered shoe upon the stair.
The looking glass cannot bestow
a ballroom dance without a snare.

A wardrobe may change king to lad.
A child's tale is often sad.

[brandontoh]

Oooohhh nice poem. You chose good lines. Very smooth flow and connection with the fairytales. Let's choose a form that's easier for me to write this time. =)

http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...a%20Cinque

Sonnetina Cinque - Of Silent Gazes, Of Algid love
Rd1

Overflowing worries, a sigh escapes.
Damaged statue of imposing presence;
On the stale couch, staring at old fire.
The flicker pensive, ran out of passion.
For what is a man to do, to build a man?

This warrior is beat, by time, by life.
Losing is a habit, and so is irony.
This single dad protects, but doesn't guide.
Loser raises losers, so it's best to let go.
A love so awkward, the loved doesn't know.