You're Out!

[brandontoh]

Thanks for reading. =) Some of you may have seen it already on my thread with Todd, but here it is in the critique section.

You're Out!
The bat's dropped,
Thud unheard.
All that's left,
A sandstorm trail.

Ball flying low,
Then it skids,
Rippling on the sandy lake.

Eye on target, square in sight.
Wee upward curve speaks aplomb.
Sweeping dive, time for progress.
Now, wait for the grit curtain
To fall.

Wait, the baseman is touching.
When?
How?
Peek at the foot, a gap revealed.
Small in number, large in scale.

Eyelids shut, lead heart sinks,
As umpire avers with 2 syllables.
Like a dull thud.

[oligoclonal]

You're Out!
The bat's dropped,
Thud unheard.
All that's left,
A sandstorm trail.

Ball flying low,
Then it skids,
Rippling on the sandy lake. I feel temperature when I read this; it is possible that that is because I live in hot climate -- to see an object other than water or paper "ripple," I see heat waves.

Eye on target, square in sight.
Wee upward curve speaks aplomb.
Sweeping dive, time for progress.
Now, wait for the grit curtain
To fall. I see this happen in slow motion; nice.

Wait, the baseman is touching.
When?
How?
Peek at the foot, a gap revealed.
Small in number, large in scale.

Eyelids shut, lead heart sinks,
As umpire avers with 2 syllables.
Like a dull thud. "Thud" again?

This is a gorgeous swan song, whether literal or figurative (is it either?). I like how the rhythm successfully makes a fast moment seem to happen slowly.

[brandontoh]

You're Out!
The bat's dropped,
Thud unheard.
All that's left,
A sandstorm trail.

Ball flying low,
Then it skids,
Rippling on the sandy lake. I feel temperature when I read this; it is possible that that is because I live in hot climate -- to see an object other than water or paper "ripple," I see heat waves.

Eye on target, square in sight.
Wee upward curve speaks aplomb.
Sweeping dive, time for progress.
Now, wait for the grit curtain
To fall. I see this happen in slow motion; nice.

Wait, the baseman is touching.
When?
How?
Peek at the foot, a gap revealed.
Small in number, large in scale.

Eyelids shut, lead heart sinks,
As umpire avers with 2 syllables.
Like a dull thud. "Thud" again?

This is a gorgeous swan song, whether literal or figurative (is it either?). I like how the rhythm successfully makes a fast moment seem to happen slowly.

Thanks for the feedback. =) The repeated thud is deliberate. I'm trying to go for how in the beginning the sound is tuned out but at the end it's heard, though of a different form. So I'm guessing it doesn't carry over as well as I thought huh? It started out as a pawn capture in my poetry chess game with Todd. Now, as it stands, it's just literal I guess.

[popeye]

Thanks for the read brandon, a most enjoyable piece of action. This could be applied to life in general where sometimes a small mistake takes one out of the running for awhile, then, with a bit more practise we get back into the swing of things and hit that elusive home run! Cheers.

[Pete Ak]

I'm not too familiar with baseball but being a sport freak is enough to allow me to enjoy the idea and execution of this piece.

You're Out!
The bat's dropped,
Thud unheard.
All that's left,
A sandstorm trail.

If no-one hears a thud - does it happen?
I'm guessing sand is kicked up as the batter sets off on his run - enough to be likened to a storm?

Ball flying low,
Then it skids,
Rippling on the sandy lake.

"Rippling" seems more appropriate to the sandy lake" than the ball.

Eye on target, square in sight.
Wee upward curve speaks aplomb.
Sweeping dive, time for progress.
Now, wait for the grit curtain
To fall.

In L1 of this stanza is the target a square? The comma tells me 'square in sight' is a colloquialism - if so are you repeating yourself with these two phrases?
'speaks aplomb' - I'm having trouble with your meaning here.
I can only guess at the rest of the stanza's significance. But I do assume you paint a vivid picture of baseball action.

Wait, the baseman is touching.
When?
How?
Peek at the foot, a gap revealed.
Small in number, large in scale.

As above, but this Stanza is slightly clearer for me. The significance of the two questions puzzles me. The answer to "When?" is surely 'now'. The second Q. - 'How is the baseman touching?' I don't fully get.

Eyelids shut, lead heart sinks,
As umpire avers with 2 syllables.
Like a dull thud.

I know this is ridiculously pedantic but "Eyelids shut" has suddenly struck me as less correct than 'Eyes shut'! This isn't a criticism just something I've noticed for the first time - a door shuts the room but doesn't shut itself if you know what I mean. Eyelids may lower or fall or cover the eyes.(Feel free to ignore that last bit!)
"Lead heart sinks" sounds as if the heart was already made of lead even before the umpires fateful words which make up a great ending.

This critique doesn't focus on how much I enjoyed and appreciate what you've put together.
Respect, Pete Ak

[brandontoh]

Thanks popeye, thanks Pete. =)

Yeah in the third stanza I'm repeating myself. Not sure what to replace it with. Or maybe the repetition helps emphasise on the focus? Gah!!

The wee upward curve actually refers to a smile. =x I'll reword it in due time. =) Thanks for pointing it out.

The how is basically the batter wondering how the ball got to the baseman's hand so quick, since he was so confident of getting to first base. But that's getting into technicalities, and I'm glad you pointed it out. May need quite a bit of rewording for that stanza so the image is clearer.

Thanks for all the feedback. =) A new edit will be done when I get the time/mood. =P

[heslopian]

I love the phrase "sandy lake". The poem's first half is the best, in my opinion, because it elegantly describes action, making it accessible to non-baseball fans, whereas the second half becomes a bit bogged down in esoteric details. For instance, what's a "grit curtain" (that could just be a metaphor I'm missing) and what does "umpire avers with 2 syllables" mean? Aside from the occasionally awkward syntax (L2 of verse three felt strange; "speaks aplomb"?), though, this is a good, gentle sports poem. Thank you for the read