The Private's Ode

[ellz483]

An infant sleeps in beds of flowers
His parents watch the television
And down the fall, the massive towers
Anxious and fearing the decision
Thousands volunteer
Don’t hide the truth from lovers
Women shed their tears
For husbands, sons and brothers
The old men rest in peace
Lying next to brothers
Young men rest in pieces
Gathered by their mothers
They gave their tomorrows
So we could have today
We mourn each other’s sorrows
For those lost in the fray
In American tradition,
The youth submit to Uncle Sam
In this 21st edition
Now, a soldier is what I am
My back’s against the wall
I’ve lost the will to fight
It’s just, that which drives us all
Is not at all what’s right.




This poem is a collaboration from a few friends and me, that kind of talks about our understanding of the war on terror which has been raging ever since we can remember. Of course, no disrespect is meant to our military men and women.

[cidermaid]

Hi ellz,
It was your title that first drew me in to have a look, so in that respect the title is great because it got my attention, but then the title needs to connect solidly with the text in my opinion. I actually felt a bit cheated by the text of the poem as it left me wanting for a sense of passion or emotion. To my interpretation it kind of read like a list of cold observations, reviewed from a distance.
I would like to see you (and your friends if they are still in on this) work through and beyond the average everyday comments on this subject and really tell us what you think and feel on this subject. If you could say whatever you liked on this subject without referance to being PC or the unintentional offence that it might cause, what would the text be? Give us some pictures and images of what the word terrorist brings to mind and how this makes you feel.
I hope this crit does not seem overly harsh, i certainly did not mean it to be. I think there are quite a few good openers in your poem that you could expand out and I would just like to encourage you to keep writing and keep opening new doors of expression.

I particularly liked your opening image of the infants sleeping in beds of flowers (but watch the gramma / construction).

Thanks for sharing this and as ever take what is helpful from any crit and let your own leanings take your work where you want it to go.
AJ.

[lolo]

I liked the first three lines as they grab the reader's attention and draws them in. After that the poem gets a little scattered. You could use paragraphs and punctuation to allow the reader to pause and reflect on whats just been said.
L3: "And down the fall" should it read 'And down fall the massive towers.'
Keep writing.