what nation of peace?

[justcloudy]

here it is
composing and imposing
the future of our minds,
with the liberty
of mutual being
and the statue
made of green
with the sighing
and dying and crying
and lying we have been raised
with napster and laughter and plastered
politicians.
this place was built on the backs of the innocent
lying wrapped in colorless blankets
reaching and teaching and hoping and hating.

love.

it’s all we’ve got
and not this fabricated Hollywood love.
the kind that you only feel
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep they keep
the day away

forget to forgive
forgive to forget
we dance.
we remember.
we go away
to the spaces and places
that we love
that are loved
like the love that you sing
from the fields of fabric.


three fifths, that’s all you are to us.
blood screams from the ground
seeping upwards into the soul
creeping and weeping
reaping your sorrows
like sparrows on the windowtops
of this concrete jungle.
it is high up.
hearts are bruised and calloused
since before birth
there is no escaping the raping
of our only earth
who gave birth to our brothers
and mothers who seem not to care.

throbbing crying hurting beating
all around the world are tears
of those that are not here
wanting hoping wishing praying
for relief
help from the top
from the others above.
but when we come
the hate begins
despicable deplorable
but wonderful, no?
liberation and creation
of the station of the people!

they did not want it.
we cannot see
they are not who we
pretend to be--
happy and laughing
we only lie--
they are the real beings
the keepers of the truth.
they are different from us.
we do not accept.
we force our beliefs.
upon the disastrous catastrophe
that is our well-intentioned stupidity.
(is it of good will?)

we are living
all along the watchtower
we are riding on the wave of fear
looking waiting scared and watching
for the time
impending and non bending
it will come.
but when
is not for our knowing
so we are blowing
the wish-blow flower
of our life away
one by one the seeds that make up our soul
leave us forever.

take stock in the stock that will rise that will fall
to the undulating steady rhythm
of the heart’s rapping beat
below the center of the city
lies the monster in us all
rising slowly to take up arms against
a planet of troubles and rubble
we didn’t think to oppose; to end.
apathetic and pathetic we grow
rallying around the causes we believe
are worth the fight of our life
till our red bodies come home
and the nation weeps with our fathers
for our fled soul.

we only wanted peace.


[author's note: written in 2008. the line indentations aren't showing up once I post. oh well.]

[justcloudy]

no one? =[
I know it's long, but you don't have to pick it apart... general comments are still useful.
too messy? too obvious? too subtle?
thanks in advance.

[rowens]

Sometimes it takes a while to get to a longer poem. We're all busy living our traumatic poetic lives. I wanted to say something about this one. But I've been waiting for some drinking money. I can only concentrate and be serious when I'm drinking. But don't worry, now that you've posted your picture, I'm sure the men here will be jumping through hula hoops to read everything you post. And some of the gals too.

In fact I have read it twice. But I need time. I have moods.

[justcloudy]

thanks for that Rowens. I get it now. =]
ps I'm married ;D ;p

[rowens]

Never stopped me before.

But that's fine. I have read it. And I'm going to read it again. And try to say at least something now without drinking.

---

I can see your lines placed the way you wanted them while I'm replying.

I can hear someone getting up on stage and reading this. But most reading would probably like something more condensed. There's a lot of the same old thing that people are used to hearing again and again. For its length, there isn't much memorable about it, not much that stands out. It has a driving force behind it though, and that fades out a little in places. If you want to, maybe you could try shortening it, and giving more attention to some of the images and ideas that flow by. As it is, it's a little too thin.

[Todd]

Hi goldyfish,

There's a lot here to get into. I'll try to hit the high points. This comes across to me as something that might read well as spoken word, it still feels way to long for that. As a written piece, it feels even longer. I think any edit should focus on condensing.

Don't get me wrong, you've got some parts I do like. I want to focus specially on those lines. A lot of the longer internal rhyme sequences amount to very catchy, nice sounding filler. A few line notes below:

here it is--like I said, as a spoken piece this could be an opening. For a written poem, this is too basic and flat.
composing and imposing
the future of our minds,
with the liberty
of mutual being
and the statue
made of green--the statue part has promise as a national symbol to draw us in. You can develop this. You may want to put the image near the end again but altered by the sweep of the poem
with the sighing
and dying and crying
and lying we have been raised
with napster and laughter and plastered
politicians.
this place was built on the backs of the innocent--more imagery less statement. You also deal with this a bit in the three fifths part.[
lying wrapped in colorless blankets
reaching and teaching and hoping and hating.

love.

it’s all we’ve got
and not this fabricated Hollywood love.
the kind that you only feel
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep they keep
the day away--everything from "with the heavy..." down to hear could anchor this

forget to forgive
forgive to forget
we dance.
we remember.
we go away
to the spaces and places
that we love
that are loved
like the love that you sing
from the fields of fabric.--these last two lines are interesting


three fifths, that’s all you are to us.--nice slavery reference. This is the best part of the poem. The sparrows part is some of your best imagery. The concrete jungle is a cliche you could do without.
blood screams from the ground
seeping upwards into the soul
creeping and weeping
reaping your sorrows
like sparrows on the windowtops
of this concrete jungle.
it is high up.
hearts are bruised and calloused
since before birth
there is no escaping the raping
of our only earth
who gave birth to our brothers
and mothers who seem not to care.

throbbing crying hurting beating
all around the world are tears
of those that are not here
wanting hoping wishing praying
for relief
help from the top
from the others above.
but when we come
the hate begins
despicable deplorable
but wonderful, no?
liberation and creation
of the station of the people!

they did not want it.
we cannot see
they are not who we
pretend to be--
happy and laughing
we only lie--
they are the real beings
the keepers of the truth.
they are different from us.
we do not accept.
we force our beliefs.
upon the disastrous catastrophe
that is our well-intentioned stupidity.
(is it of good will?)

we are living
all along the watchtower
we are riding on the wave of fear
looking waiting scared and watching
for the time
impending and non bending
it will come.
but when
is not for our knowing
so we are blowing
the wish-blow flower--this is also nice phrasing and something you could expand and develop
of our life away
one by one the seeds that make up our soul
leave us forever.

take stock in the stock that will rise that will fall
to the undulating steady rhythm
of the heart’s rapping beat
below the center of the city
lies the monster in us all
rising slowly to take up arms against
a planet of troubles and rubble
we didn’t think to oppose; to end.
apathetic and pathetic we grow
rallying around the causes we believe
are worth the fight of our life
till our red bodies come home
and the nation weeps with our fathers
for our fled soul.

we only wanted peace.


[author's note: written in 2008. the line indentations aren't showing up once I post. oh well.]

I feel like my comments are a little scattered. I hope they're helpful. Just an initial pass.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

we take our time here hi goldy.

PHP Code:

you type 1 or more [ind] to indent a word or create a space in a line 


it's in mild and i got a little carried away, because you asked so pleasantly for feedback the poem has a good thread running though it but i think you could trim at least a 3rd to a half away in order to make it a more solid piece, i like a lot of the poem but some words and phrases feel too run of the mill. look for the common thing and try to make them original. lots of ing words in places. often removing ings; reach instead of reaching etc, can strengthen a poem. lastly, try to show us what you see in the picture you have in your head, hate, love and soul are very weak words on their own,

here it is feels a little weak for a 1st line
composing and imposing
the future of our minds,
with the liberty
of mutual being
and the statue
made of green so we can take it we're in the usa.
with the sighing
and dying and crying
and lying we have been raised
with napster and laughter and plastered some allteration would have helped this line
politicians.
this place was built on the backs of the innocent
lying wrapped in colorless blankets
reaching and teaching and hoping and hating. too many words ending with 'ing' they reach, teach, hope, and hate. is a suggestion., though hope and hate are two words where an image would work better

[ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind]love.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]it’s all we’ve got
and not this fabricated Hollywood love.
the kind that you only feel
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep they keep great line, it feels very strong and shows instead of tells.
the day away

[ind][ind][ind][ind]forget to forgive
forgive to forget this wordplay is pretty cliche, you need to add more in order to make it less common
we dance. we dance like?
we remember. we remember....? give us something more
we go away
to the spaces and places
that we love
that are loved
like the love that you sing
from the fields of fabric.


[ind][ind][ind][ind]three fifths, that’s all you are to us.
blood screams from the ground i like the way this line fits in with the title
seeping upwards into the soul into the soul feels weak
creeping and weeping this line feels redundant
reaping your sorrows is 'your' needed?
like sparrows on the windowtops
of this concrete jungle.
it is high up. this is probably a given
hearts are bruised and calloused
since before birth
there is no escaping the raping
of our only earth only is a given
who gave birth to our brothers
and mothers who seem not to care.

[ind][ind][ind][ind] throbbing crying hurting beating
all around the world are tears
of those that are not here
wanting hoping wishing praying
for relief
help from the top
from the others above.
but when we come
the hate begins
despicable deplorable
but wonderful, no?
liberation and creation
of the station of the people!

[ind][ind][ind][ind]they did not want it.
we cannot see
they are not who we
pretend to be--
happy and laughing
we only lie--
they are the real beings
the keepers of the truth.
they are different from us.
we do not accept.
we force our beliefs.
upon the disastrous catastrophe
that is our well-intentioned stupidity.
(is it of good will?)

[ind][ind][ind][ind]we are living
all along the watchtower a common phrase and the name of a famous song which makes it cliche
we are riding on the wave of fear
looking waiting scared and watching
for the time
impending and non bending
it will come.
but when
is not for our knowing
so we are blowing
the wish-blow flower
of our life away
one by one the seeds that make up our soul
leave us forever.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]take stock in the stock that will rise that will fall
to the undulating steady rhythm
of the heart’s rapping beat
below the center of the city
lies the monster in us all
rising slowly to take up arms against
a planet of troubles and rubble
we didn’t think to oppose; to end.
apathetic and pathetic we grow
rallying around the causes we believe
are worth the fight of our life
till our red bodies come home
and the nation weeps with our fathers
for our fled soul.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]we only wanted peace.


[author's note: written in 2008. the line indentations aren't showing up once I post. oh well.]

[justcloudy]

thanks all for the suggestions!
yes yes I always imagined it read aloud also. =]
I have a thing for long poems, long books, long essays etc, but point taken, for external audiences this is pretty verbose.
also, part of the reason I joined this forum is because although I write quite a bit, I don't read a whole lot of poetry... just a couple favorite authors. probably bad of me, but it makes for the fact that I don't always know what's overdone/ cliche. anyway now I'll get to change that a bit. =]
thanks again for the feedback, I'll work on it when I have time and post an edited down version.

[rowens]

Being trapped here in the middle of nowhere, and other unfortunate events, from time to time I live off of long books and long poems. And write them too. Now I'm stuck on the computer, which makes me uncomfortable.

But your poem doesn't seem verbose as much as it has so much that's been said so many times. The length would be fine if you could sustain the same force through the entire thing. But like most have said, you can concentrate on more original and powerful parts, and cut the rest.

You can say the same things, share the same views and complaints, because they make sense. But to make the poem work, and to get people involved in it on some deeper levels, you have to find new ways to say things. Well, you don't have to, but it's worth attempting.