Echo

[allykat727]

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

[milo]

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

The writing here is all pretty strong. I won't really workshop it as this is novice but, parts I liked:

repetition of I shrunk. Actually, that whole third stanza is the strongest in the poem. "played in the grass with the dirt and the dew . ." very nice attention to detail and sound.

nice read
fantastic post
well done

milo

[allykat727]

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

The writing here is all pretty strong. I won't really workshop it as this is novice but, parts I liked:

repetition of I shrunk. Actually, that whole third stanza is the strongest in the poem. "played in the grass with the dirt and the dew . ." very nice attention to detail and sound.

nice read
fantastic post
well done

milo

Thank you Milo! I had the most fun while writing the third stanza so Im glad you liked it

[Todd]

I loved this. It was a really cool write. I haven't read Bernstein (heard of him). I should probably correct that. The line lengths and breaks remind me of early Mark Strand. The only suggestions I have might go against your assignment because of my unfamiliarity with Bernstein, but as your poem I'd consider the following cuts (see below):

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss.
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

Just thoughts. This is one of the better things I've read in awhile.

Best,

Todd

[saeity]

Hi allykat727, I like the repetition it works well, have to agree with above though there really isn't much to crit here as it is a very strong interesting piece, I think Todds suggestions would work well thanks for the read

saeity.

[allykat727]

I loved this. It was a really cool write. I haven't read Bernstein (heard of him). I should probably correct that. The line lengths and breaks remind me of early Mark Strand. The only suggestions I have might go against your assignment because of my unfamiliarity with Bernstein, but as your poem I'd consider the following cuts (see below):

I wrote this piece for a Creative Writing course I am taking this semester. Our assignment was to write a poem in the style of Steven Jesse Bernstein. Enjoy


Echo

I went to the park
to breathe in the air
‘cause my lungs
have been aching
and straining to fill.


The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss.
infinite...

And I shrunk,
and I shrunk
to the size of an ant
and I played in the grass
with the dirt and the dew,
and the earth bared its veins
with its sweat shown too,
and it glowed bright green,
and it grew to the size
of the stars in the sky . . . 


And the world got so big

I blipped out of existence,

like the light
in your room

going dark from a storm,
spinning down
with the sounds
that echo.

Just thoughts. This is one of the better things I've read in awhile.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the response Todd I was unsure about the "infinite" line, and I think I do like it better without. Thanks!

---

Hi allykat727, I like the repetition it works well, have to agree with above though there really isn't much to crit here as it is a very strong interesting piece, I think Todds suggestions would work well thanks for the read

saeity.

So glad you liked it! Thank you

[serge gurkski]

Like the whole poem and:

So absolutely with Milo on the third stanza!* Pure music for me! Congrats!

cheers
serge

(Like Todd I have not heard of Steven Jesse Bernstein before)

-----------
* just that for me the party already starts here.
"and I stopped and stared ..."

[allykat727]

Like the whole poem and:

So absolutely with Milo on the third stanza!* Pure music for me! Congrats!

cheers
serge

(Like Todd I have not heard of Steven Jesse Bernstein before)

-----------
* just that for me the party already starts here.
"and I stopped and stared ..."

Woooo! Thanks

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I really loved this poem so took to google to read something by Steven Jesse Bernstein - what a great assignment to be set! I think the poem itself is really strong, clear in it's meaning and altogether a really sound piece.

I'm no expert in poetry and certainly no expert in Bernstein as I've just read a few poems, so I'm speaking from that - I think that it is very much in similar to his work, but I think this would make it more in the style of it:

- Although the poem concerns the speaker, I think it could have more depth if you included the feelings, as well as his/her actions. Such as in 'More Noise, Please!' -

I put sponge stoppers
in my ears,
but I can't stand those things
for more than a few minutes.

I really agree with Milo and Serge on the third stanza being the strongest. It's absolutely beautiful. As a poem, I wouldn't change it, as in the style of Bernstein, I'd add in a few little opinions and inner thoughts here and there.

[Soaring Eagle]

I have never heard of this writer, so I won't be of much help in that respect, but I feel this is a very strong piece. I felt the words you used where strong and very descriptive and they created a vivid image of the poem in my mind. I have to respectfully disagree, and say that I don't feel the third stanza was strongest. For me, the strongest part of the poem was

"
The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite... "

There is just something with these words that creates the most vivid image in my mind when I read this poem. This also the portion of the poem that speaks to me most. It penetrated something deep inside of me and I could really feel it. There is just something very deep in these lines that really strengthens the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem and hope you do well on this assignment for your Creative Writing class. I found this to be thought provoking and creative, hopefully your instructor will feel likewise.

Cheers!
Soaring Eagle

[allykat727]

I really loved this poem so took to google to read something by Steven Jesse Bernstein - what a great assignment to be set! I think the poem itself is really strong, clear in it's meaning and altogether a really sound piece.

I'm no expert in poetry and certainly no expert in Bernstein as I've just read a few poems, so I'm speaking from that - I think that it is very much in similar to his work, but I think this would make it more in the style of it:

- Although the poem concerns the speaker, I think it could have more depth if you included the feelings, as well as his/her actions. Such as in 'More Noise, Please!' -

I put sponge stoppers
in my ears,
but I can't stand those things
for more than a few minutes.

I really agree with Milo and Serge on the third stanza being the strongest. It's absolutely beautiful. As a poem, I wouldn't change it, as in the style of Bernstein, I'd add in a few little opinions and inner thoughts here and there.

Hey there, thanks so much for the thoughtful response. I see what you are saying about including feelings/actions and will take that into account when editing The feeling of smallness in the universe is one that is can be quite strong, so adding some more feeling to the piece could definitely enhance it. Anyway, the pieces we read by Bernstein were "More Noise, Please" (which I see you've read), "Murdered in the Middle of the Dance" and "The Man Upstairs". I suggest giving the other two a read. They were really engaging. Thanks again for the input!

---

I have never heard of this writer, so I won't be of much help in that respect, but I feel this is a very strong piece. I felt the words you used where strong and very descriptive and they created a vivid image of the poem in my mind. I have to respectfully disagree, and say that I don't feel the third stanza was strongest. For me, the strongest part of the poem was

"
The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite... "

There is just something with these words that creates the most vivid image in my mind when I read this poem. This also the portion of the poem that speaks to me most. It penetrated something deep inside of me and I could really feel it. There is just something very deep in these lines that really strengthens the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem and hope you do well on this assignment for your Creative Writing class. I found this to be thought provoking and creative, hopefully your instructor will feel likewise.

Cheers!
Soaring Eagle

Hello Soaring Eagle. It is always fun to hear an opinion of a poem that differs from other responses. I'm very flattered that the second stanza of my piece spoke to you. Being able to reach and relate with others is a strong part of what poetry is about for me. Thank you very much!

[Soaring Eagle]

I really loved this poem so took to google to read something by Steven Jesse Bernstein - what a great assignment to be set! I think the poem itself is really strong, clear in it's meaning and altogether a really sound piece.

I'm no expert in poetry and certainly no expert in Bernstein as I've just read a few poems, so I'm speaking from that - I think that it is very much in similar to his work, but I think this would make it more in the style of it:

- Although the poem concerns the speaker, I think it could have more depth if you included the feelings, as well as his/her actions. Such as in 'More Noise, Please!' -

I put sponge stoppers
in my ears,
but I can't stand those things
for more than a few minutes.

I really agree with Milo and Serge on the third stanza being the strongest. It's absolutely beautiful. As a poem, I wouldn't change it, as in the style of Bernstein, I'd add in a few little opinions and inner thoughts here and there.

Hey there, thanks so much for the thoughtful response. I see what you are saying about including feelings/actions and will take that into account when editing The feeling of smallness in the universe is one that is can be quite strong, so adding some more feeling to the piece could definitely enhance it. Anyway, the pieces we read by Bernstein were "More Noise, Please" (which I see you've read), "Murdered in the Middle of the Dance" and "The Man Upstairs". I suggest giving the other two a read. They were really engaging. Thanks again for the input!

---

I have never heard of this writer, so I won't be of much help in that respect, but I feel this is a very strong piece. I felt the words you used where strong and very descriptive and they created a vivid image of the poem in my mind. I have to respectfully disagree, and say that I don't feel the third stanza was strongest. For me, the strongest part of the poem was

"
The sun went down
below the horizon,

and I stopped and stared
at the stars in the sky
and widened my eyes
at the darkened abyss,
infinite... "

There is just something with these words that creates the most vivid image in my mind when I read this poem. This also the portion of the poem that speaks to me most. It penetrated something deep inside of me and I could really feel it. There is just something very deep in these lines that really strengthens the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem and hope you do well on this assignment for your Creative Writing class. I found this to be thought provoking and creative, hopefully your instructor will feel likewise.

Cheers!
Soaring Eagle

Hello Soaring Eagle. It is always fun to hear an opinion of a poem that differs from other responses. I'm very flattered that the second stanza of my piece spoke to you. Being able to reach and relate with others is a strong part of what poetry is about for me. Thank you very much!

You are so welcome. I believe that is why we are called to write poetry. Through our words, we have the capacity to touch others. A powerful gift that many wish to have.