Relationships

[Wjames]

Edited:

Harbouring
relationships
upon the ocean
floor.

Beneath the frothing,
rolling waves
that pound my broken
core.

Polluted waters
sifting pain,
tear the hulls
apart.

Coursing wildly
through my veins
leaves just a broken
heart.



Original:

Harvesting
the spoiled fruits
of love left
unexpressed.

Marvelling
at buoyant youth
and nighttime
at its best.

Harbouring
relationships
upon the ocean
floor.

Beneath the frothing,
rolling waves
that pound my broken
core.

[NakedBear]

Harvesting
the spoiled fruits
of love left
unexpressed.
Unexpressed love I appreciate, but I have two problems with this stanza. First, 'spoiled fruit' lacks freshness. Second, two whole stanzas below connect with the sea, and maybe a third could with a bit of tweeking. So, where does fruit come into this picture? It seems an outlier. You could cut it or rework it.

Marvelling
at buoyant youth This connects with the water theme below. Maybe nightime can also be drawn in a way connecting it with the sea? So this stanza and the next pair build together.
and nighttime
at its best.

Harbouring
relationships
upon the ocean
floor.Like this stanza, probably because 'harbouring' is an old metaphor and has almost lost its first meaning, yet here it is poignantly revived in my mind with 'upon the ocean / floor'

Beneath the frothing,
rolling waves
that pound my broken
core. Core doesn't work for me. It seems to abstract a concept, and doesn't evoke thoughts of water, ocean, boats or much of anything connected with what came before. Actually, I thought of an apple the first time I read it, which is likely not your intent.

Love laboured over and lost is a theme I don't get tired of, and I think this is a nice expression.

Mikey.[/b]

[justcloudy]

Hi Wjames,

I love the way this piece flows, the rhythm is really beautiful. It sort of ebbs and flows like the tide, which makes the ocean link perfect. The first stanza works for me, but I agree with Mikey that it'd be really nice to have the ocean theme throughout.

"Harbouring
relationships
upon the ocean
floor. Here the actors are anchoring their love and life under the ocean, fine

Beneath the frothing,
rolling waves
that pound my broken
core." here the writer is suddenly up at sea level. It's just a nit but my brain had a hard time reconciling the two images. I do, however, love the last stanza, including core. =]

I enjoyed the read, thanks.

[Wjames]

Thanks you two, I just made some changes.

I do think its better with a more complete nautical theme.

[sophieatezombie]

I love when emotions can be compared to something as natural as an ocean. What I prefer is sticking to one theme I guess you could say, which you did a way better job in your edited version. I enjoyed this piece very much.

[NakedBear]

This edit is very nice. I do have some suggestions, though. See below.

Edited:

Harbouring
relationships
upon the ocean
floor.

Beneath the frothing,
rolling waves
that pound my broken
core.

Polluted waters
sifting pain,
tear the hulls
apart.

Coursing wildly What is coursing? I fancy it's the polluted water, but grammatically there is no link being made. Maybe: 'It courses wildly'?
through my veins comma at end
leaves just a broken I don't think 'leaves' is grammatically correct, here. Maybe the line could be 'to leave a broken' , especially if you do put the comma on the line above. How important is 'just' to you?
heart.

I'm enjoying this piece.

Mikey.