Once - Edited

[Wjames]

Edited:

Once a river ran
inside of me.
Emotions unsettled
current, flowing
smoothly.

Lovers lounged
beneath the trees,
nourished by its
movements.

Salmon swam
against the stream,
headstrong and
determined.

The sun would set
then later rise,
as if to say
you should not try.

The brightest lights
all fade to grey.
Your darkest night
shall turn to day.

Reprise the joy,
and then the pain.
Then all at once,
they feel the same.



Original:

Once a river ran
inside of me.
Emotions unsettled
balance, flowing
smoothly.

Lovers lounged
beneath the trees,
nourished by its
movement.

Salmon swam
against the stream,
headstrong and
determined.

Once I felt hates
pitch black night.
Scowling madness,
eyes alight with
angst.

Once I felt loves
full moon glow.
Perfect stillness,
each moment slowly
slipping.

Once I felt loves
setting sun.
Destroyed myself
regretting one
mistake.

Once,
I felt something.

[NakedBear]

Greetings, salutations, and all that shit.

Once a river ran
inside of me.
Emotions unsettled This first stanza would be well followed by the third one about salmons (although swimming against the stream is an old image - even I pick up on it, after all. ) Then you could remove the word 'Emotions' which kind of gives the game away, and instead say 'currents'; then you expand the salmons verse so that they feel various emotions as they traverse the currents. That's just an idea. Take it if you like.
balance, flowing
smoothly.

Lovers lounged
beneath the trees,
nourished by its lounging lovers is a bit old, but the idea of nourishment by the tree's movement - nice. You could expand it a bit.
movement.

Salmon swam
against the stream,
headstrong and
determined.

Once I felt hates
pitch black night. You felt the night? expand. Tell me how the night made you actually feel, mentally and physically - then connect that to the notion of hate.
Scowling madness,
eyes alight with
angst.

Once I felt loves
full moon glow. Again, how does that glow feel. You're expecting the word 'love' to define the feeling of the moon's glow, but really you should be doing it the other way around (as you did about with hate), and make the glow define the word 'love'. Love is a big old sloppy cunt that has had almost every human notion shoved into it for safe keeping. You have to tell us what keepsake you want us to seek around for, in there.
Perfect stillness,
each moment slowly
slipping.

Once I felt loves
setting sun. Again. Love should not define anything. Other things should be used to define love.
Destroyed myself
regretting one
mistake.

Once,
I felt something.

This sounds pretty good. I think you could change the way you approach these images, and make it all work to good effect.

Good night, and I hope I wasn't too detailed for Mild.

Oh yes, you should not have 'hates' but "hate's", not 'loves' but "love's", and so on. Mark the possessive with apostrophe 's'.

[billy]

mainly the poem deals with abstracts; words or thoughts that are intangible. use some images to show us you open the poem with once, which is also the name of the title, why not start it a river ran (both of which are cliche) you could turn it into a metaphor;
I am a river...

make it original add some images, remove words like hates, emotion, loves, etc.

Once a river ran
inside of me.
Emotions unsettled unsettled or balanced? it confuses me
balance, flowing
smoothly.

Lovers lounged
beneath the trees,
nourished by its
movement. why, how?

Salmon swam
against the stream,
headstrong and
determined. this is probably the best stanza but the cliche in the 1st 2 lines of such a short stanza isn't good

Once I felt hates
pitch black night.
Scowling madness,
eyes alight with
angst.

Once I felt loves
full moon glow.
Perfect stillness,
each moment slowly
slipping.

Once I felt loves
setting sun.
Destroyed myself
regretting one
mistake.

Once,
I felt something.

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I noticed that in the first stanza, you use the word 'unsettled' followed by 'balance'. I can't quite figure out what you mean there. Actually, the poem was quite pleasant to read, but it is just too abstract. You need some punctuation corrections too. If you decide to edit the poem, I'll look forward to see what you've come up with

[Wjames]

Thanks for the critiques, and advice guys.

The unsettled balance bit was just about how sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad. Feelings are always changing, like the river is always flowing. I don't know if that makes sense to you guys, but I like it.

I will work on this poem with all your advice at hand.

[Volaticus]

Thanks for the critiques, and advice guys.

The unsettled balance bit was just about how sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad. Feelings are always changing, like the river is always flowing. I don't know if that makes sense to you guys, but I like it.

I will work on this poem with all your advice at hand.

It makes sense to me, but I don't think that the stanza clearly conveys that. A bit of tweaking and I think it could work well, though

[Wjames]

Last month I was very busy with exams, and so I sort of pushed poetry aside to focus on other things. I liked the beginning of this poem, but didn't like the ending of it. Now that I finally have some time to do some writing I decided to work on this one. I've edited it quite a bit, and think its better now; though I still think it can be improved upon.