Killdeer

[milo]

revised

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I reach a stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien corn

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn
and tossed to join the wind; a lover's bend
that sings to me the loss of being born.

So unlike pricks of pasture rose, the thorn
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unshorn
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.





I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien corn

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend
that sings to me the loss of being born.

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

[billy]

a well done villanilly. i like it when the refrains are slight different through altering the punctuation or an odd word. i think the two commas in the first line a little to much, for me it makes a perfectly good line a not so good line in that it jars a tad to much. i mention a couple of nits below but they are just nits, on the whole this is a good villanelle.

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien corn

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn i love the sonics of this line.
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend
that sings to me the loss of being born.

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn is whin redundant, if not does it need a comma after it?
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned the two I's feel too much, a suggestion would be to make the latter 'and' or 'to'
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

[tectak]

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien cornA little niggle, here. Is this "...I stand like Ruth; amidst this alien corn." or, as you so succinctly wrote with inter-stanza enjambment, "Amidst this alien corn I'm stripped and shorn..." ? Either is fine but the latter seems a little less dramatically rich than the former.

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend Almost certainly there is a good case for a semicolon after "wind" if only for the perfect pensive pause it brings.
that sings to me the loss of being born. Truly memorable. An exquisitely apposite line. It could not be otherwise. Envy

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn comma after whin
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn. A disconnect, here. So unlike fields of gorse and whin....er, what? Also, do you want to say ".. as I pretend I stand like Ruth" or " I stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn"? Not firmly intentional enough for me.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn cannot help but feel there is a reverse forced rhyme here and I can see the difficulty! For me "unshorn", as a gegengewicht to "shorn" earlier, would win. Rape is cut down and left (swathed) before harvesting the seed. I live in the middle of a rape field!
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned...and again, but what to do? Rise unsinned, perhaps, as in assumed absolution following genuflection.( Ruth 2:10 At this, she bowed down with her face to the ground. She asked him, ‘Why have I found such favour in your eyes that you notice me – a foreigner?)’
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

Nothing amiss. Just beautiful. Neat and precise. Worthy.
Much enjoyed.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien cornA little niggle, here. Is this "...I stand like Ruth; amidst this alien corn." or, as you so succinctly wrote with inter-stanza enjambment, "Amidst this alien corn I'm stripped and shorn..." ? Either is fine but the latter seems a little less dramatically rich than the former.

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend Almost certainly there is a good case for a semicolon after "wind" if only for the perfect pensive pause it brings.
that sings to me the loss of being born. Truly memorable. An exquisitely apposite line. It could not be otherwise. Envy

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn comma after whin
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn. A disconnect, here. So unlike fields of gorse and whin....er, what? Also, do you want to say ".. as I pretend I stand like Ruth" or " I stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn"? Not firmly intentional enough for me.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn cannot help but feel there is a reverse forced rhyme here and I can see the difficulty! For me "unshorn", as a gegengewicht to "shorn" earlier, would win. Rape is cut down and left (swathed) before harvesting the seed. I live in the middle of a rape field!
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned...and again, but what to do? Rise unsinned, perhaps, as in assumed absolution following genuflection.( Ruth 2:10 At this, she bowed down with her face to the ground. She asked him, ‘Why have I found such favour in your eyes that you notice me – a foreigner?)’
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

Nothing amiss. Just beautiful. Neat and precise. Worthy.
Much enjoyed.
Best,
tectak

I was hoping to squeak the inversions through, maybe one, but not in pairs. Alas, you know I wouldn't let you get away with it.

Good catches all around, going to be revising shortly i hope.

---

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien corn

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend
that sings to me the loss of being born.

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

This is a very good. S1L4: promoting "un" in unlike feels a bit off, but I've done worse (and gotten away with it). I had a hard time on the first three reads getting "alien" to ellide in two syllables, but that was just my accent, I looked it up and you're spot on.

The metaphors, imagery, and emotions are strong throughout.
I had to look up whin, but that's only because of the region I'm in.

Thank you, true. Yes, i blame Mr. Keats for al-een, otherwise I would say it as you do. I am surprised that promotion distressed you, I thought it would add meaning nicely, now I will have to reconsider.

Thanks.

---

a well done villanilly. i like it when the refrains are slight different through altering the punctuation or an odd word. i think the two commas in the first line a little to much, for me it makes a perfectly good line a not so good line in that it jars a tad to much. i mention a couple of nits below but they are just nits, on the whole this is a good villanelle.

I stand, like Ruth, amidst this alien corn
that shudders to the gentle touch of wind
and sings to me the loss of being born.

I sneak my stranger's hand to stroke a horn
and shuck it bare just like a passing friend
I stand like Ruth. Amidst this alien corn

I'm stripped and shorn, my bluebell dress is torn i love the sonics of this line.
and tossed to join the wind, a lover's bend
that sings to me the loss of being born.

So unlike fields of gorse and whin the thorn is whin redundant, if not does it need a comma after it?
that damps my legs with blood, as I pretend
I stand like Ruth, amidst this alien corn.

My mind now grazes with the unicorn,
not lying in this bend unskinned and thinned,
that sings to me the loss of being born.

Somewhere there is a field of rape unworn
I go there in my mind, I rise unpinned the two I's feel too much, a suggestion would be to make the latter 'and' or 'to'
and stand like Ruth amidst this alien corn
and sing along, the loss of being born.

Good catches, billy, I am going to refer back to these during the revision, which will hopefully be soon.

[milo]

revised to address most qualms. I checked to be sure, UNlike is standard pronunciation.

[Truerenigma]

The revision is quite good. I appreciate the educational correction regarding "UNlike".