The Doctrine Pedlar -edited

[milo]

I like the story style method of yours.

This is not considered adequate review for the critical forums. Please read the poem carefully several times and note areas that work and don't work and why. Thanks.

Note: i am leaving this post up, but you have posted 6 other similar comments that I am deleting.

/mod

[Leanne]

HE:
I've come to sell you God Madam - He's in this magazine.
I came here on a Bicycle, I'm really very keen.

SHE:
So you would sell me God would you, well really, aren't you sweet!
Come in for some refreshments dear, and rest your tired feet.

HE:
Just let me park the bicycle my Church has lent to me;
I'm on it all the time now and it's really splendid, see!

SHE:
Oh isn't mankind clever to have made such a contraption
That takes one's feet right off the ground - no circumambulation
Allowed when one has such a thing to carry one around!
I like to keep my own feet planted firmly on the ground.

Come in, Religious Caller, do come in for morning tea
And have a glass of water and a little chat with me -
I'm just a crazy lady who no longer rides a bike,
And go on, put the pamphlets there between us if you like.

So you would sell me God would you? The Grail as Magazine?
Do sit down on the sofa while I find a glass that's clean.
I know my knowledge of the Lord's a tiny speck of dust
So are you then a genius to say that you have Him sussed?

HE:
I'm proud to say that I know God much better that my peers -
I've memorised the doctrine and I've studied hard for years!
I can recite a dozen prayers (and some of them in Verse)
And with somebody else's words I'm happy to converse.

I know all the Old Testament, especially all the rules,
And all the pat responses for the unbelieving fools.
My Church will have a Brochure that says what is wrong with yours,
You’ll have no further need for guilt, we'll tell you all your flaws.

And we can make you holy with this weekly magazine
And nobody would ever guess the sinner you have been.
It may sound quite exclusive, it might sound a little odd,
But I confirm it Madam: we've the copyright on God!

SHE:
Well I confess that I'm a fool, I barely know my Lord,
Although I too have read some books that hail from abroad.
I rarely get around to prayer, and surely not in rhyme;
We never get the chance because we're talking all the time.
You've memorized Leviticus, I know the Song Of Songs
And you know Him and I know Him and both of us are wrong.

I don't believe your doctrine can confine The Boundless One...
You seem to be believing that's just what your church has done-
So here dear, have a cupcake, for a year you'll need not eat,
Because inside that cupcake is a paddockful of wheat!
Here's your glass of water, you can drink it in a minute,
Careful how you hold it for I put an ocean in it!
And do look out this window here and tell me if you see
Like I do when I look through the entire galaxy?

HE:
You did say you were crazy- but I thought it was in jest!
And I've got other calls to make, I'll let you have a rest.
If you have any questions I can bring an Elder and
He'll explain whatever faith that I don't understand
His bike is just like mine and he's been riding it for years
His holds loads more pamphlets cos he's better at the gears!

So read those magazines and I'll bring more in a fortnight;
If you subscribe as I do then you ought to be alright.
Telephone me if you want to join the Congregation-
Goodbye Madam, God Bless, thank you for the Conversation.


SHE:
Oh Witness Lord, the borrowed bike and hear the tinny bell!
Behold the Doctrine Pedlar who would save my soul from hell!
Oh look he's off already when we'd only just begun -
Come help me with this jigsaw then and have a bit of fun!

For You're a jigsaw puzzle that not one of us can solve;
Each person holds the merest piece and thinks he has the whole!
A vast eternal jigsaw with innumerable parts
Surpassing all the Golden Calves you find in human hearts!
Oh who knows You but You alone? Come sit down here with me,
I’m glad that pedlar’s gone for I prefer Your company!

---

It barely needed anything, just a few smoothings of bumps -- it's not perfectly metric, but it's perfectly accentual (seven beats, like the Banjo's best )

[Mopkins]

Gee thanks Leanne, I appreciate you smoothing out the bumps for me. I hope it didn't take you too long. I like your substitutions - this poems been in this form for so long it's hard to edit it properly and I'm still pretty clueless when it comes to meter. I might keep the capitals- it's my way of showing the pomposity of the pedlar. Other than that I'll take all your changes with humble gratitude.

Thank you once again for fixing it up - it's much appreciated.

Marianne

[Leanne]

I thought there must have been a reason for the capitals

---

It didn't take long -- I have a misspent youth and Banjo Paterson to blame for how easily I can do this now.

[Mopkins]

Nothing like a bit of Banjo! It takes me forever to scan my work - I'm envious.... Thanks once again.

[Leanne]

Once you have the rhythm stuck in your head, it becomes a lot easier. I tend to tap it out on the desk -- or on the steering wheel when I'm sitting in the car waiting to pick up my kids from school. People give me strange looks. I'm ok with that.

[Mopkins]

I chant when I'm scanning, and sing limericks to better get a feel for the meter. Poetry is very musical.