10-22-2013, 03:52 PM
The three-toothed man mocks
the fat, elderly woman.
She can escape him,
but this is the only shade,
and the bus will be here, soon.
i like it ... a little tuning perhaps ? whatabout
the man with 3 teeth, mocks
initially that middle line was not jelling with me
but after many re-reads it works okay ... i thought originally that that middle line 'she can escape him' was telling me everything rather than suggesting ... but it works ... perhaps a little tweak?
she can escape ...
(or) she could leave
what i love in this piece is that we dont know if she will board the bus
or the mocking man with only 3 teeth does
i think he is waiting for the bus ... she is enjoying the shade on an obviously hot day and that is another good aspect - we know this without being hit over the head
also, i love the 3 teeth ... and HE MOCKS ???? lol
i like this very much .... good job >>>> Gina
the fat, elderly woman.
She can escape him,
but this is the only shade,
and the bus will be here, soon.
i like it ... a little tuning perhaps ? whatabout
the man with 3 teeth, mocks
initially that middle line was not jelling with me
but after many re-reads it works okay ... i thought originally that that middle line 'she can escape him' was telling me everything rather than suggesting ... but it works ... perhaps a little tweak?
she can escape ...
(or) she could leave
what i love in this piece is that we dont know if she will board the bus
or the mocking man with only 3 teeth does
i think he is waiting for the bus ... she is enjoying the shade on an obviously hot day and that is another good aspect - we know this without being hit over the head
also, i love the 3 teeth ... and HE MOCKS ???? lol
i like this very much .... good job >>>> Gina