02-03-2015, 12:06 PM
S6 does not follow the form. "Cantering , showing off their beauty" is not the second line of the last stanza. Is the second line of the last stanza supposed to be the second of S1, or lines 1 & 4, as is the way with most of these types of forms?
This has a nice galloping beat although in such places as S1L4 the beat seems lost and the line reads flat.
"elates" seems a bit of a forced rhyme, because of how it is used in the line. He is elated -> trait is elated->They are elated--> traits are elated
Compare to: "Express themselves on the track and are elated"
Besides, I do not think that "traits" can elate. The horse could, but not traits.
You could say something like, "The muscles of the horse felt elated as the pulse of life burst through them." Something like that (but hopefully better). Objects can easily be personified, but conditions or traits. The traits are possibly what makes the horse feel elated, but traits cannot as they are a mental construct.
I guess as this is in mild I'll stop there.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
This has a nice galloping beat although in such places as S1L4 the beat seems lost and the line reads flat.
"elates" seems a bit of a forced rhyme, because of how it is used in the line. He is elated -> trait is elated->They are elated--> traits are elated
Compare to: "Express themselves on the track and are elated"
Besides, I do not think that "traits" can elate. The horse could, but not traits.
You could say something like, "The muscles of the horse felt elated as the pulse of life burst through them." Something like that (but hopefully better). Objects can easily be personified, but conditions or traits. The traits are possibly what makes the horse feel elated, but traits cannot as they are a mental construct.
I guess as this is in mild I'll stop there.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.