the thoroughbred - A Catena Rondo form

[monmac]

I have relooked at the poem and amended it following comments, I think it works better now. Have tried to put in a iambic pentameter through out. I have followed the following for the Catena Rondo
based on a Quatrain, the second line forming a rhyming couplet with the third line and also used as the first and fourth line of the following verse. The final stanza is a repeat of the first. The rhyme scheme is;
A. B. b. A ------B. C. c B------- C. D. d. C ------D.E.e.D ----- E.F.f.E --- and penultimate verse
is G. A. a. G...... and the final verse is a repeat of the first A. B. b. A.....


The breaking of the day with mist abound
From the stables to the gallops they go
The tall regal, majestic creatures know
The breaking of the day with mist abound

From the stables to the gallops they go
Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold
Chiselled looks and lean physique to behold
From the stables to the gallops they go

Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold
Stayers, jumpers and sprinters are all trained
great racing champions can be attained
Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold

Stayers, sprinters and jumpers are all trained
Colts and fillies of the foundation sires
Byerly, Darley, Godolphin inspires
Stayers, sprinters and jumpers are all trained

Colts and fillies of the foundation sires
Horses that have strength, stamina and speed
So graceful and elegant and is this breed
Colts and fillies of the foundation sires

Cantering, swaggering, beauty on show
The breaking of the day with mist abound
Ancestral Arabian magic crowned
Cantering, swaggering, beauty on show

The breaking of the day with mist abound
From the stables to the gallops they go
The tall regal, majestic creatures know
The breaking of the day with mist abound


ORIGINAL VERSION BELOW

The breaking of the day, mist abound
Out of the stables for the gallops they go
The regal, majestic creatures know.
The breaking of the day, mist abound

Out of the stables for the gallops they go.
Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold
Chiselled looks and lean physique behold
Out of the stables for the gallops they go

Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold
Stayers, sprinters and jumpers traits
Express themselves on the track and elates
Hot blooded, spirited, agile and bold

Stayers, sprinters and jumpers traits
The foundations sires creations
Admired around the world and adulated
Stayers, sprinters and jumpers traits

The foundation sires creations
Masters of their craft indeed.
Graceful, elegant and tall the breed
The foundation sires creations

Cantering , showing off their beauty
The breaking of the day, mist abound
Ancestral Arabian magic crowned
Cantering , showing off their beauty

The breaking of the day, mist abound
Out of the stables for the gallops they go
The regal, majestic creatures know
The breaking of the day, mist abound

written in the Catena Rondo form

[Erthona]

S6 does not follow the form. "Cantering , showing off their beauty" is not the second line of the last stanza. Is the second line of the last stanza supposed to be the second of S1, or lines 1 & 4, as is the way with most of these types of forms?

This has a nice galloping beat although in such places as S1L4 the beat seems lost and the line reads flat.

"elates" seems a bit of a forced rhyme, because of how it is used in the line. He is elated -> trait is elated->They are elated--> traits are elated

Compare to: "Express themselves on the track and are elated"
Besides, I do not think that "traits" can elate. The horse could, but not traits.

You could say something like, "The muscles of the horse felt elated as the pulse of life burst through them." Something like that (but hopefully better). Objects can easily be personified, but conditions or traits. The traits are possibly what makes the horse feel elated, but traits cannot as they are a mental construct.

I guess as this is in mild I'll stop there.

Welcome to the site,

Dale