Where?

[DJesters]

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Hi DJ,
what seemed far too trite is redeemed by the end line.  Nicely done.

It sags a bit in the middle two  verses:
line 5 gives me pause - make hell seem enjoyable,
'delving' I'm not sure this is the right word,
and 'draped' isn't that evocative
but, for me the biggest problem is line 12 ('floating in place'?  Really?  Something ending in 'embrace' perhaps?)

Some food for thought


Where will I find you,
oh, dear love of mine
when rains fail to fall
and the sun ceases shining?

Will you be dancing
with flames, tell me this
and falling forever
in a fiery abyss?

Or may I yet find you
rejoicing in grace,
with angelic raiment
and floating in place?

These questions need answers
just as I need you
for wherever you end up
my love, I will too.


Best, Knot

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Hi Knot!
 
I appreciate your feedback. I agree that hell does not seem enjoyable, but I was trying to convey that perhaps it would be if the person you loved the most was there with you. I also agree I could’ve used better words to describe the heavenly, angelic state I was looking for. I’ll definitely try to refine it, and I love your rendition of the poem too! Thank you!

Sincerely, 
DJesters

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When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

Dang man, you've got a bad case of love going on. I feel you, though and I know what it's like. Very well-written. Don't change a thing.

Thank you so much spaceship! That means a lot.