Where?

[DJesters]

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

[Knot]

.
Hi DJ,
what seemed far too trite is redeemed by the end line.  Nicely done.

It sags a bit in the middle two  verses:
line 5 gives me pause - make hell seem enjoyable,
'delving' I'm not sure this is the right word,
and 'draped' isn't that evocative
but, for me the biggest problem is line 12 ('floating in place'?  Really?  Something ending in 'embrace' perhaps?)

Some food for thought


Where will I find you,
oh, dear love of mine
when rains fail to fall
and the sun ceases shining?

Will you be dancing
with flames, tell me this
and falling forever
in a fiery abyss?

Or may I yet find you
rejoicing in grace,
with angelic raiment
and floating in place?

These questions need answers
just as I need you
for wherever you end up
my love, I will too.


Best, Knot

.

[ISawASpaceship]

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

Dang man, you've got a bad case of love going on. I feel you, though and I know what it's like. Very well-written. Don't change a thing.

[CRNDLSM]

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

Dang man, you've got a bad case of love going on. I feel you, though and I know what it's like. Very well-written. Don't change a thing.

This is not sufficient critique for this forum, please elaborate

[ISawASpaceship]

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

Dang man, you've got a bad case of love going on. I feel you, though and I know what it's like. Very well-written. Don't change a thing.

This is not sufficient critique for this forum, please elaborate

If my feelings are not a sufficient critique and I think that the piece is utter perfection, I am uncertain what you want from me. I suppose I could write a book for you if you'd like. For the mere purpose of humoring you, I will add that I liked that the writer was saying that they would end up in either heaven or hell (whether figurative or not) based upon their lover. I could talk about the fact that it personally fits my feelings right now towards someone else but I thought all of that was rather evident from what I said. As I said, I would change nothing about the poem. The description is vivid. The message is clear, rather like my comment, no matter how short it may have been.

[DJesters]

.
Hi DJ,
what seemed far too trite is redeemed by the end line.  Nicely done.

It sags a bit in the middle two  verses:
line 5 gives me pause - make hell seem enjoyable,
'delving' I'm not sure this is the right word,
and 'draped' isn't that evocative
but, for me the biggest problem is line 12 ('floating in place'?  Really?  Something ending in 'embrace' perhaps?)

Some food for thought


Where will I find you,
oh, dear love of mine
when rains fail to fall
and the sun ceases shining?

Will you be dancing
with flames, tell me this
and falling forever
in a fiery abyss?

Or may I yet find you
rejoicing in grace,
with angelic raiment
and floating in place?

These questions need answers
just as I need you
for wherever you end up
my love, I will too.


Best, Knot

.

Hi Knot!
 
I appreciate your feedback. I agree that hell does not seem enjoyable, but I was trying to convey that perhaps it would be if the person you loved the most was there with you. I also agree I could’ve used better words to describe the heavenly, angelic state I was looking for. I’ll definitely try to refine it, and I love your rendition of the poem too! Thank you!

Sincerely, 
DJesters

---

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up
you know I will too.

Dang man, you've got a bad case of love going on. I feel you, though and I know what it's like. Very well-written. Don't change a thing.

Thank you so much spaceship! That means a lot.

[Knot]

I agree that hell does not seem enjoyable, but I was trying to convey that perhaps it would be if the person you loved the most was there with you.

I take your point, but we don't know the narrator is with their love until the last line, so I'm not sure this really works.

Best, Knot

.

[Kerbonzo_beenz]

Maybe you could rename this to be "Where to?"
I think it could be a nice touch to the poem because it's more of a lovey way of the main character saying I'll follow you wherever you go.

The first three stanzas build up to the last line, which is my favorite, because it ties everything together nicely.
Where you were going with this was predictable so it was satisfying to see it end the way it did.

To summarize this I would have to say: it was a short and sweet way of explaining tough love, which is nice because it wasn't too convoluted and it wasn't too underworded meeting a nice middle ground between the two.

[Semicircle]

When the rains fails to fall
and the sun ceases to shine
where will I find you,
dear love of mine?

Will you be dancing with flames
in your sinful bliss 
delving deeper and deeper Hell 
into the black abyss?

Will you be among angels Heaven
rejoicing in grace,
draped in white 
effortlessly floating in place? 

These questions need answers 
just as I need you 
for wherever you end up My favorite stanza and a strong ending.
you know I will too. 

This is a clever spin on the phrase "I will follow you through Heaven and Hell."

This was very well done, 
cheers.