Posts: 8
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2013
It's 3:00 am and I don't care
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
I'm not worried about my future
I'm not worried about dying
I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-10-2013, 03:23 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: It's 3:00 am and I don't care
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
I don't know the protocol for a situation like this, but suicide seems like a rash decision feelings can be changed. As for the poem try and be more specific about what your trying to express. Please don't kill yourself I don't want that on my conscience. Leave feedback on other poems it's something to do at least right? If you try to kill yourself and an ambulence comes they will send you away to a hospital where life is very boring
Posts: 8
Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2013
I think it's powerful. I can imagine what you feel, though I don't share the lack of empathy toward the world. I have had a friend and neighbor for the past few years who has the same kind of mentality. I don't care, the world never cared for me, so why should I, etc...
I guess what I'm getting at is, I don't know where you've been, what you've been through, how the world has treated you, but windows of hope DO appear. My neighbor finally got the job they'd been denying him for two years, finally started getting the respect at home and at work that he'd been without for so long, and is no longer vocalizing that kind of sentiment.
The world can be a caring friend or a heartless thief at times. It can sway and enlighten us, convince us, confuse us, blind us or rob us. Although I have not shared the tension, heartbreak or pain you have, remember that the world is not ONLY full of pain. There are people in this very world who will give you a reason to care. You just may not have found them yet.
If this is just original creative content, and not how you actually feel, then bravo. You convinced me so much that I just wrote the above rant about it.
If this is how you actually feel, you have an incredible talent at painting the woeful, helpless nature of the world. Excellent descriptive work. Just compartmentalize that, and use it for creative content, but remember that the whole world is not just in your mind. There are things that you WILL care about in your future, even if that seems impossible at the current moment.
Posts: 8
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-10-2013, 05:45 AM)heisenborg Wrote: I think it's powerful. I can imagine what you feel, though I don't share the lack of empathy toward the world. I have had a friend and neighbor for the past few years who has the same kind of mentality. I don't care, the world never cared for me, so why should I, etc...
I guess what I'm getting at is, I don't know where you've been, what you've been through, how the world has treated you, but windows of hope DO appear. My neighbor finally got the job they'd been denying him for two years, finally started getting the respect at home and at work that he'd been without for so long, and is no longer vocalizing that kind of sentiment.
The world can be a caring friend or a heartless thief at times. It can sway and enlighten us, convince us, confuse us, blind us or rob us. Although I have not shared the tension, heartbreak or pain you have, remember that the world is not ONLY full of pain. There are people in this very world who will give you a reason to care. You just may not have found them yet.
If this is just original creative content, and not how you actually feel, then bravo. You convinced me so much that I just wrote the above rant about it.
If this is how you actually feel, you have an incredible talent at painting the woeful, helpless nature of the world. Excellent descriptive work. Just compartmentalize that, and use it for creative content, but remember that the whole world is not just in your mind. There are things that you WILL care about in your future, even if that seems impossible at the current moment.
Thanks a lot. I specifically like this criticism. I don't think I will ever kill myself, I do get thoughts sometimes though. Thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(06-10-2013, 04:14 AM)Brownlie Wrote: (06-10-2013, 03:23 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: It's 3:00 am and I don't care
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
I don't know the protocol for a situation like this, but suicide seems like a rash decision feelings can be changed. As for the poem try and be more specific about what your trying to express. Please don't kill yourself I don't want that on my conscience. Leave feedback on other poems it's something to do at least right? If you try to kill yourself and an ambulence comes they will send you away to a hospital where life is very boring the protocol is to just read the poem as a poem and not a plea for help 
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-10-2013, 03:23 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: It's 3:00 am and I don't care
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
I like a good piece about suicide. I like how you kept it simple in expression but, a good image would be nice in all this and to do away with all the "ands" I think this
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
would read better like
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
I'm not worried about my future
I'm not worried about dying
I'm not scared to do it
I'd like to see imagery to your suicidal thoughts. Maybe less repetitive words.Otherwise an intense piece.
Posts: 10
Threads: 3
Joined: Jun 2013
Overall I think the repetition works. It makes me feel the madness of the emotion and heightens the drama of the tipping point at the end. I agree that it would flow better without the "ands". Overall chilling but real and well done.
I recently (last Thursday) lost a dear friend and brother in arms to suicide. It is hard to digest and understand exactly how he was thinking and feeling. Oddly this gave me a bit of clarity into his mind. I wonder if he felt like this; if this was his own contemplation. I fear we will never truly know. This is a chilling poem to it's core for me. A true incite in to the mind of a person on the edge literally ready to pull the trigger to the gun resting on their temple. I can appreciate the honesty of this poem. I can feel the pain and almost hear his voice. But if he was feeling this he should have reached out to someone...anyone. If you are feeling this. Reach out. There are too many who care to take your life away from them and away from yourself.
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
very powerful although i clearly dont feel the same way, you have deffo succeded in creations a sense of pathos their. if anythink i think the *i dont care* may get a tad repetative
Posts: 8
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-12-2013, 03:34 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (06-10-2013, 03:23 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: It's 3:00 am and I don't care
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
I like a good piece about suicide. I like how you kept it simple in expression but, a good image would be nice in all this and to do away with all the "ands" I think this
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
would read better like
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
I'm not worried about my future
I'm not worried about dying
I'm not scared to do it
I'd like to see imagery to your suicidal thoughts. Maybe less repetitive words.Otherwise an intense piece. Thanks for the advice! I edited it 
Posts: 10
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2013
there is obviously deep emotion behind this piece. the repetition gives it a chant like feel, which i believe makes the feeling of numbness stronger throughout the piece. i would love to see some imagery, maybe literal or metaphorical. nice work, keep writing.
Posts: 6
Threads: 0
Joined: Jun 2013
Makes me feel very uncomfortable to a point where it is almost scary - so well done!
Quote: I'd like to see imagery to your suicidal thoughts. Maybe less repetitive words.
I'm not sure, but I think to me the lack of imagery here drives home a point. Since it is written entirely from the perspective of the suicidal person it seems like a more realistic and intense portrayal of his/her psychological state.
The repetition creates a restlessness (and numbness as MissKiss has said), but I agree that the edited version without the "and"s is better - still repetitive and without the connecting "and"s it feels even more like a chant.
Very intense and impressive!
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