Silence

[SunRose]

Now waiting, sitting, bored
Questions form
Worries put down
Everything must be fine
How could it not be?

The hours pass
Still no one comes
Sitting in my chair
Little legs swinging beneath
Watching people run to planes,
Greeting family

Did he forget?
No, that couldn't be
The blonde comes to me
With her pale tired skin
She takes me away from the commotion
Behind the scenes

Your dad is dead, he isn't coming to get you

Six hours of waiting
Numb in my throat
Silence, no tears
Just a wave of shock
Stunned I don't speak
She talks on, I don't hear
Three days he's been dead
All alone, no one knew

Everything's a blur,
Now at the end
His casket was beautiful
Navy with silver, abalone and seagulls
Still no tears, absolute silence
Disbelief growing steady
How could he have gone?

Ten years later,
Now an adult
I travel to his desert home
He isn't there
It's true he's in that casket
Buried deep in the ground
My grandma's second lost son
A man I never knew

[Volaticus]

Hi SunRose
I like the idea with this poem and the unexpected line in the middle of the six stanzas. The punctuation seems to need some work. There are some cliches I think you could rephrase to something a little more original, and you could add some more imagery, as it felt quite narrative in some places. JMHO of course. Thanks for sharing.
-LB

[ChristopherSea]

If true, I am sorry for your loss. This is well done, it's emotive and confessional. Loved the swinging legs and casket descriptors, as I am big on visuals. If you are not going to use periods, all caps for all lines is not desirable, as the reader may lose your intended flow. Thank you for sharing your heart, soul and moving story herein. This poem should not be in the novice forum in my opinion. Keep writing and posting please!

[1skylande1]

It is a very beautiful poem. I am sorry for your loss

[FlipFlop]

I've never critiqued a poem here before, but great poem! The poem expresses the feeling of silence and what the experience was in your silence, well. Or at least it was done well enough for me to enjoy. In the last stanza, I want you to show tears so badly, but isn't that what this poems about? Thanks for sharing.

[TheWall0912]

I agree that this poem could use some punctuation, but if you choose to keep it out that's fine too and I do think you could get rid of some cliches. Other than that, it is a great start! The end trips me up a little bit. By the lines "My grandma's second lost son, A man I never knew" did you mean that the narrator was planning on meeting her father for the first time at the beginning of this poem? And then he never arrived? If so, that makes it an even more powerful poem in my eyes. Either way, I like it, and I really like the ending.

I am terribly sorry for your loss if this is a true story.

Thanks for the read.

[lukeJones]

Now waiting, sitting, bored
Questions form
Worries put down This probably just me, but what does this mean? It is not a phrase I have heard before
Everything must be fine
How could it not be?

The hours pass
Still no one comes
Sitting in my chair
Little legs swinging beneathI personally would remove little, yeah it sets up that this is a child, but I think legs swinging would hint at that anyway
Watching people run to planes,They wouldn't actually be running to the planes would they? I mean arrivals in an airport is far away from a plane
Greeting family

Did he forget?
No, that couldn't be
The blonde comes to me
With her pale tired skinNice that this is probably a stewardess, cool imagery without making it obvious.
She takes me away from the commotion
Behind the scenes

Your dad is dead, he isn't coming to get youI get that maybe it has to be this blunt but something doesn't sit right for me here

Six hours of waiting
Numb in my throatI am not feeling the wording here
Silence, no tears
Just a wave of shock
Stunned I don't speak
She talks on, I don't hear
Three days he's been dead
All alone, no one knew

Everything's a blur,
Now at the end
His casket was beautiful
Navy with silver, abalone and seagulls
Still no tears, absolute silence
Disbelief growing steady
How could he have gone?

Ten years later,
Now an adult
I travel to his desert home
He isn't there
It's true he's in that casket
Buried deep in the ground
My grandma's second lost son
A man I never knew

I love how the first stanza sets a scene, but does not exactly tell the reader what the scene is. Yeah we get that his person is waiting, but waiting for what?

In the second stanza you introduce the airport (or at least make the location obvious) and I started to think of a cliche someone waiting for a boyfriend. However, you quickly ended that with the legs swinging beneath the chair, obviously making this a child.

In stanzas four, five, and six I started reading the flow differently, quite urgently in fact. If this is just "my thing" then great, but maybe try slowing the pace down a bit. Other than that the imagery is great although in the final stanza you reveal the father and daughter did not know each other (either emotionally or actually). This was the first time that I personally understood that, I am not sure if that was your desire, but maybe you could try some subtle hints earlier in the poem.

I know I have said plenty but overall I really liked this.

[Bunx]

sunrose! glad i found one of your poems for a few reasons!
the first has been already stated, further punctuation could be beneficial.
the subject matter is a really sad one at that but it gives the reader a unique perspective that is needed.
thanks alot for the poem

[billy]

hi sunrose.
lots of excess words string the poem out to far. and example is the 1st line.
Now waiting, sitting, bored

now waiting is a given, due to the fact you're sitting and your bored.
then you have

Questions form
Worries put down

the above is redundant because

Everything must be fine
How could it not be?

more or less says the same thing.

the story is set in the past so don't use any present tense.
watch out for words you use more than once, sitting is one of them.

the poem strikes a chord and has potential. all it needs is a really brave edit.

Now waiting, sitting, bored
Questions form
Worries put down
Everything must be fine
How could it not be?

The hours pass
Still no one comes
Sitting in my chair
Little legs swinging beneath this is an image a good image, use this one to set the bar for more elsewhere.
Watching people run to planes,
Greeting family

Did he forget?
No, that couldn't be
The blonde comes to me
With her pale tired skin
She takes me away from the commotion
Behind the scenes

Your dad is dead, he isn't coming to get you

Six hours of waiting
Numb in my throat
Silence, no tears
Just a wave of shock
Stunned I don't speak
She talks on, I don't hear
Three days he's been dead
All alone, no one knew

Everything's a blur,
Now at the end
His casket was beautiful
Navy with silver, abalone and seagulls
Still no tears, absolute silence
Disbelief growing steady
How could he have gone?

Ten years later,
Now an adult
I travel to his desert home
He isn't there
It's true he's in that casket
Buried deep in the ground
My grandma's second lost son
A man I never knew

[FayandFire]

Hello Sunrose, I am still pretty new to this so here it goes. I totally agree with volaticus about the cliches and Im sure punctuation always helps a reader understand how a poem should flow- If done properly. Anyways I personally love the imagery of little swinging legs. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't have gotten you were a kid until the very end. I think with a some editing you could really have yourself a great poem. Thanks for the read!

[mwhite0017]

Hi, I'm new so my crit isn't going to sound overly professional, my apologies! I love this poem, there's so much feeling in it! But I feel like the punctuation is a little off, and that can be of great importance, especially to a writer. Maybe, have a friend check over it quickly for minor errors like those if you aren't good with punctuation. (I know I'm not any good with it either!) You've also got some great description words! Keep writing, I love this!

[cheyrn]

I am hopelessly biased by content. The story and the way that it is expressed, captures my attention. It invokes clear imagery for me and I have an emotional response.

Caps one every line is slighty unappealig to me. I think that:

She takes me away from the commotion
Behind the scenes

is one sentence. If that is the case, it is confusing to have the upper-case B.

I identify with the final parts about disbelief. That was how it was one someone I knew died. I seemed to have no emotional reaction and found that disturbing. But, it was partly because I was in shock.

[Destructed]

I think many things I'd like to suggest have already been given, other than that I somewhat feel that this poem is just all over the place. The flow is off putting, it'd be much more intriguing if the lines of a stanza were more united. The descriptive aspect is somewhat cliché and I'd love to see more variety in vocabulary for the first couple stanzas. But it's a beautiful idea and I truly think you could make something remarkable with everyone's suggestions.

[teejai]

I love the story that is being brought to life, however the flow and wording could be adjusted slightly to make it more pleasant to read. I'm not saying it's a bad read, I'm simply saying that I like things that flow fluently from my tongue when I read them aloud and when I'm simply just reading them. Thanks for sharing

[tomoffing]

I found this deeply personal and tragic. I also get the strong impression that it's true and as such am wary of offering novice opinions.
In any case here goes.
I'd echo Billy's point that you could trim this heavily in places. Choosing the strongest images and emotions will give this even more impact than it already has.
The midway transition is haunting, but the line could be improved slightly. Alternatively, use it as a direct quote if that's what it is.
The temporal shift in the last stanza is great too. It eases the tension evoked by the impression that this is a recent event, while highlighting that the experience hasn't diminished with the passage of time.

Thank you, and heartfelt condolences if this is a personal reflection.

[Mikeodial]

Now waiting, sitting, bored
Questions form
Worries put down
Everything must be fine
How could it not be?

The hours pass
Still no one comes
Sitting in my chair
Little legs swinging beneath
Watching people run to planes,
Greeting family

Did he forget?
No, that couldn't be
The blonde comes to me
With her pale tired skin
She takes me away from the commotion
Behind the scenes

Your dad is dead, he isn't coming to get you

Six hours of waiting
Numb in my throat
Silence, no tears
Just a wave of shock
Stunned I don't speak
She talks on, I don't hear
Three days he's been dead
All alone, no one knew

Everything's a blur,
Now at the end
His casket was beautiful
Navy with silver, abalone and seagulls
Still no tears, absolute silence
Disbelief growing steady
How could he have gone?

Ten years later,
Now an adult
I travel to his desert home
He isn't there
It's true he's in that casket
Buried deep in the ground
My grandma's second lost son
A man I never knew

I am sorry for the loss. The poem has the understanding of the young years of the girl, the simplicity of understanding at a young age. Both a good and a difficult thing at the same time. I like the straightforward candor, it has it's own cadence that some would try and alter. I like the fast forward, herky jerky time lapses, they add to the authentic nature of your writing. Keep digging for meaning in all you write.

[Blake]

I really enjoyed reading this one. I like how the single line in the middle acts as a separator between before and after the news was learned. I am sorry for the loss as well and I can tell this is a heartfelt poem.