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Threads: 12
Joined: Aug 2014
Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love!
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work!
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces
in collisions of agreements or disagreements
but out of it all, understanding.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires.
Certainly, all Work is Love
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
(09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love! It's very wordy (for example, line 2 uses 10 words to essentially say "lonely").
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces,
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work! I can definitely understand how love is work, but I don't really get anything from the first three lines in the stanza. I would try and make some concrete imagery to demonstrate how love is work. i.e: (love is enjoying (or preparing) a homemade meal even when it's burnt).
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces,
in collisions of agreements or disagreements,
but out of it all, understanding. I think this is your best stanza; I don't really get the "all work moves forces" bit, but I like the third line a lot. I would remove the second comma in the stanza.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it,
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires. There's nothing concrete I can visualize or hear or feel or taste in this stanza, which is my main problem with most of the poem. It's mostly vague ideas like: "peace", "awareness", "desires", "delight", "love" which don't really make me feel anything; it's telling me how you/narrator feels. Try and show these concepts with concrete images (obviously this is easier said than done) in order to transmit the feeling, not just the idea.
Truly, all love is work,
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work, we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
I definitely agree that love is work, but the poem didn't really make me feel anything. The best advice I can give you would be to try and insert some specific examples of love being work i.e: (staying up all night to take a kid to the hospital for an ear infection, saving up money for college education, making a homemade meal (and appreciating the effort even if the meal sucks), etc). All the best, WJ
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Threads: 12
Joined: Aug 2014
(09-23-2014, 07:00 AM)Wjames Wrote: (09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love! It's very wordy (for example, line 2 uses 10 words to essentially say "lonely"). (line two is mentioning loneliness it is not explaining it! line three is the one which is explaining loneliness! This is not meant to be a visual poem! It meant to relay how love is work, so focus on the meaning not the images. It is not a descriptive poem that is, it is not describing an image!).
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces,
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work! I can definitely understand how love is work, but I don't really get anything from the first three lines in the stanza. I would try and make some concrete imagery to demonstrate how love is work. i.e: (love is enjoying (or preparing) a homemade meal even when it's burnt). ( the poem was not intended to describe images!)
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces,
in collisions of agreements or disagreements,
but out of it all, understanding. I think this is your best stanza; I don't really get the "all work moves forces" bit, but I like the third line a lot. I would remove the second comma in the stanza. (work requires force in order to achieve something and those force are moved in collisions of agreements or disagreements).
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it,
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires. There's nothing concrete I can visualize or hear or feel or taste in this stanza, which is my main problem with most of the poem. It's mostly vague ideas like: "peace", "awareness", "desires", "delight", "love" which don't really make me feel anything; it's telling me how you/narrator feels. Try and show these concepts with concrete images (obviously this is easier said than done) in order to transmit the feeling, not just the idea.
(This stanza simply mentions the characteristics which are found in love. And if one was aware to them they would aid him or her to achieving his or her goals)
Truly, all love is work,
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work, we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
I definitely agree that love is work, but the poem didn't really make me feel anything. The best advice I can give you would be to try and insert some specific examples of love being work i.e: (staying up all night to take a kid to the hospital for an ear infection, saving up money for college education, making a homemade meal (and appreciating the effort even if the meal sucks), etc). All the best, WJ
Hopefully everything i have said will help you see things from my perception.
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Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, Mwaba don. When members post critiques in a workshop they are not asking for explanations. They are offering you their insights as readers, including pointing out parts of your poem they feel could be improved.
If you are not interested in considering the views of readers as possibilities for editing you may want to consider posting in Misc or Fun. Each forum and its level of critique is described on its lead page, please give them a read if you haven't already.
(09-23-2014, 07:56 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: (09-23-2014, 07:00 AM)Wjames Wrote: (09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love! It's very wordy (for example, line 2 uses 10 words to essentially say "lonely"). (line two is mentioning loneliness it is not explaining it! line three is the one which is explaining loneliness! This is not meant to be a visual poem! It meant to relay how love is work, so focus on the meaning not the images. It is not a descriptive poem that is, it is not describing an image!).
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces,
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work! I can definitely understand how love is work, but I don't really get anything from the first three lines in the stanza. I would try and make some concrete imagery to demonstrate how love is work. i.e: (love is enjoying (or preparing) a homemade meal even when it's burnt). ( the poem was not intended to describe images!)
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces,
in collisions of agreements or disagreements,
but out of it all, understanding. I think this is your best stanza; I don't really get the "all work moves forces" bit, but I like the third line a lot. I would remove the second comma in the stanza. (work requires force in order to achieve something and those force are moved in collisions of agreements or disagreements).
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it,
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires. There's nothing concrete I can visualize or hear or feel or taste in this stanza, which is my main problem with most of the poem. It's mostly vague ideas like: "peace", "awareness", "desires", "delight", "love" which don't really make me feel anything; it's telling me how you/narrator feels. Try and show these concepts with concrete images (obviously this is easier said than done) in order to transmit the feeling, not just the idea.
(This stanza simply mentions the characteristics which are found in love. And if one was aware to them they would aid him or her to achieving his or her goals)
Truly, all love is work,
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work, we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
I definitely agree that love is work, but the poem didn't really make me feel anything. The best advice I can give you would be to try and insert some specific examples of love being work i.e: (staying up all night to take a kid to the hospital for an ear infection, saving up money for college education, making a homemade meal (and appreciating the effort even if the meal sucks), etc). All the best, WJ
Hopefully everything i have said will help you see things from my perception.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(09-23-2014, 07:56 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Hopefully everything i have said will help you see things from my perception.This is part of the problem...you mean "perspective" . Check your word use. This is important advice. Best, tectak.
Apologies in advance for thread-jacking but it is with best intentions I have not mastered, as yet, the ability to see from your perceptions;
but, all things considered, it's perhaps for the best.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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okay, thanks for the correction, still learning good critic.
i dont know y u used all the commas right after each line, i think that defeats the purpus of a poem. Each line or stanza shouldnt be read like a sentence, but as its own thought. Now some really good poets can use commas and periods and semicolins very well, but there is a time and place for them, and after every line it neither the right time or place. It was a very well thought poem and is a very deep and thought provoking poem to compare love to work and vise versa.
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I love this poem. You could flip it around to say work is love in some cases. Since all of work can be a prayer and offering to God. That might add a twist that would flip the audience towards introspection for a moment. The poem as a whole is off putting as it seems to hold you at arms length. If you could grab your audience's hearts somewhere in the middle unexpectedly, this poem could be very powerful. I suggest doing that.
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(09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love!
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work!
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces
in collisions of agreements or disagreements
but out of it all, understanding.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires.
Certainly, all Work is Love
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
I like the title, and the theme. The are the same thing. This poem has a nice sentiment, but it's like the speaker wants me to take his/her word for it. There should be examples of love being work. Show me the speaker at his/her most vehement, which is a good word, but I think it is a bit much in the second line. To me vehement is the tone of voice of a new reporter on the topic of a headline. To me the connotation is out spoken, may be It's just me, but I wouldn't put vehement next to a word like confined, nope, that just doesn't feel right in my book. I think my favorite part of this poem is the line "When we work we make love." Not only are the repetitions of the theme strong in this phrase, but the new image of actually making love comes to mind. Suddenly there is a reason for all of that work to get done. Or maybe I am just being a lecher again... All in all I think this poem is the explanation of another (non-existent) poem that could say all that you do, through imagery, and implicitness. You know- less is more... Say it without saying it. If love is work, who is working? The speaker reserves no sympathy from me as a worker, or a lover for that matter. Not very creditable. Tell me about the first time you fell in love. What did you have to do to make it work. Is it comical? Describing the most simple and small memory can make people internalize big things, like the theme of this poem. To be a poet is to take the small and make it big. Take this idea of love being work, and turn it into a scenario where that idea will suddenly pop into the readers head, without it being the title. We poets are like ninjas if you think about it o.o
A good critique is a good analysis from the view of the reader.
Amitey Blyss
Unregistered
"Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness"
I really like this.
From the novice forum rules (at the top of the page whenever you open any forum):
This is the Novice Forum, please ensure that comments provides valuable feedback to the poet, even if it's all positive. A simple "I like this" is not appropriate Please comment to the best of your ability.
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I definitely like the title as it clearly represents the context of the poem. Additionally, the repetition of the title within the poem is classic for emphasis. That being said, I would have liked to seen "Love is Work" used in the last line of the poem as a powerful and memorable ending. When read out loud, the first stanza sounds wordy and a bit awkward. The latter stanzas have a smoother flow.
I spotted the capitalization of "work" and "love" in lines 5, 8, 17. It's inconsistent with lines 4, 9, 10, 18, 19, 21, and 22 ( where lower case was used). I could not discern the reason for this change in the verses.
I enjoy the length of the poem and the equal distribution of lines.
the heart and mind through hands combined
to bind my soul within each line
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(09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love!
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work!
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces
in collisions of agreements or disagreements
but out of it all, understanding.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires.
Certainly, all Work is Love
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
I assume that you (either intentionally or not) aimed for a level of complexity in your poem that failed to execute with your clumsy use of language. This can be fixed by some dropping repetitive and redundant words throughout the piece, and expressing your subject matter boldly and concisely. I didn't like the evolution of insight you displayed about the topic in the opening lines of stanzas. It didn't give the poem any impact, and reduced any semblance of lyric and melody. Sadly, the flow of the poem needs a lot of work. Continue striving.
Azure
cliche my forte
Posts: 2,602
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(09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love!
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work!
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces
in collisions of agreements or disagreements
but out of it all, understanding.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires.
Certainly, all Work is Love
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
Hello mwaba,
Though this comment could be made via a PM I believe it will benefit you and crits on this site equally. I note that you thrive elsewhere in an atmosphere of sycophancy and eulogy. This site is not for show- casing your work but has as its ethos the admittedly high-minded aim of IMPROVING poetry in all the many forms, genres and styles presented here. Of course, good work, by individual's standards, will be commented on simplistically though we discourage the awesome wowsers at every turn. Such praise is pointless and encourages mediocrity.
You will find, therefore, that an ambience exists here that you may not, as yet, be acclimatised to. Stick with us. We are here to offer honest and generally informed critique. Very little is beyond improvement. That is worth remembering. In your case you suffer from a form of word-creep. Your use of language is poor and made seemingly poorer because you DO have complex concepts. As, a result, you stretch and mangle both words and syntax until the long-suffering crit sees nothing but wreckage...you, of course, think the same way as you write and cannot "see" the problem.
No one will critique your work maliciously...but if more than one commentator makes the same point, you would be well advised to take note. Or, as you might say, " Intention! Preach pounced stagnatingly: waited surreptition comes."
Ahem.
Very best,
tectak
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(09-23-2014, 03:49 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: Solemnly so, one finds oneself to be,
in a state of being for a longtime in loneliness,
a Solitariness born of emptiness
In search of a longing so deep, love!
Love, it lays hidden in illusionary spaces
confined in vehemence in wait to be brought out,
what better way to put it?
Love is Work!
Truly all love is work,
for all work moves forces
in collisions of agreements or disagreements
but out of it all, understanding.
Understanding! A great delight,
peace and awareness dwell in it
and in its awareness, pathways
to fulfillment of ones desires.
Certainly, all Work is Love
for one can work towards ones joys,
thus, when we work we make love,
for the fruit of it is Joy.
Truly, all love is work,
surely one must meditate on love, which is work,
and through patience,
surely something will happen!
See- Putting in the seed and look up collocates for putting in. This is all abstraction.
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