A Sense of Discomfort

[cloud]

A Sense of Discomfort


man spits on the cringing world
he's seen nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

[dukealien]

A Sense of Discomfort


man spits on the cringing world
he's seen nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

I'm not a polished writer of free verse, so bear with me, please.

First, the complete absence of punctuation and capitalization is bracing, consistent, and allows the reader full scope for ambiguous interpretation and variant readings as to pauses and rhythm.  I would almost suggest making the title all lower-case as well.

If there's a place for punctuation, it would be at the end of L7 (after "insane") - perhaps an em dash (which seems fashionable at the moment on this site, too) to set off the concluding simile.

The overall theme - knowing all the answers makes you crazy - is original (in my experience), and well expressed.

(I first tried to force the interpreation into my own hobby-horse about scientists messing with data to confirm their theories, but it's really not there - which shows, first, that there's room for interpretation but, second, that the actual message is strong enough to overcome seriously wrong ones.)

Concluding suggestion:  perhaps "what" on L4 could be "how" or "the way," though congratulations are in order for restricting use of "the" to one, and in a good place for it (L1).  I trip over "what" a bit there, meaning-wise.

Overall, quite effective.  Thanks for posting!

[Wastrel]

Hi Cloud - the title  is " A Sense of Discomfort", yet the poem flows, spaciously, from beginning to end, with no stumbly bits. The reader is taken to a comfy place to ponder discomfort-ness. Which is why I like it.

[Richard]

Hey cloud,
I quite like this for the most part. There was a time when I was actually very anti-punctuation in my poetry, so I feel weird saying this. However, I would be curious to see an edit of this done with punctuation. I do have some other thoughts as well:

A Sense of Discomfort


man spits on the cringing world -This image effectively captured my attention as a reader. I just don't understand why the world is cringing. I could be missing something, it wouldn't be the first time.
he's seen nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him -I love the image of the mother and her affect on her son. There's wonderful irony here because of the title, and the fact that story time should bring great comfort, but it has the opposite effect.
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Huckleberry]

hi,

My biggest problem with this is really that you start with a statement: " man spits on the cringing world"
This seems to me that it should be the last verse after a forceful argument, and not the other way around, and it should therefore be the last verse.

From this, "this is the truth and don't dare to disagree with me" statement, I found it very difficult to go further  without bracing myself against what is stated as what I better agree with; the use of "spit", which I take as intentionally demeaning, only adds to this feeling.

In other words, (and I have to confess this is a very traditionalist view of it), you kind of start with a statement assuring that no reader daring to disagree will go any further. It is a shame because the imagery can be forceful in such a short piece (his mother made him) and thought-provoking (answers he already knows)

[ClaireLou]

Overall I really enjoyed it. It spits you out & then draws you back in again, the title adding to the madness.

My only problem really was the lack of punctuation, I suppose I like poetry with direction as to how it flows whereas this method means you create the flow individually & I believe this aspect should be created by the writer.

[Youi]

A Sense of Discomfort

I think the title should be consistent with the poem. Either use punctuation universally, or don't. 

man spits on the cringing world
he's seen nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him This is starting to sound like a sexist rant becoming personal. I don't know if you mean to say man is now forgiving his mother or not.
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

Personally I think this is too ambiguous to understand. I think if you connected the dots for us, maybe it could be more powerful to the audience! 

[silentseas]

Nice poem! I like the use of the word mad as "madder" and it's cool that it can be interpreted as both crazy and angry. 

One thought I had was that I'm not sure if the narrator has a credible reason to have such disdain for the world he exists in, and it's not clear to me whether the narrator believes the man (which could be a stand-in for humanity more broadly) is justified in having this disdain and boredom. I think you could make it clearer where the narrator's opinion lies - maybe say "he thinks he's seen" or something like that. Otherwise, maybe bring into the poem examples of ways that the man actually understands or thinks he understands everything, and is bored and maddened by the world because of it. 

Also in the last line, maybe "with answers" instead of "to answers" could also work well.

[illya_v]

Hi cloud, this poem flows really well out loud, and there is a lot of vague meaning packed into such a small poem. The subject is quite apparent but the particular message/ point of view is, as previously mentioned by other critiquers, open to wide interpretation. I feel it’s too wide, and should be re-worked some to make the message more apparent and thus the poem more meaningful and forceful.
 
The first 2 lines evoked an image of a domineering man standing confidently over humanity with symbols of patriarchy and religion within each half of his brain. The 3 middle lines are what I struggled to make sense out of; I figured the word “madder” meant that the created ideologies that guide man (and by extension, humanity) are actually more detrimental to our lives than beneficial or neutral. The last 4 lines prompted me to imagine a modern boy being read a story about equality and empowered women and he’s distraught while listening. The last line “to answers he already knows” kind of implies our social structure is inherent, hard-wired. I think this is where you can add a couple lines or so describing his thinking, and the conflict/s within him and how they got there. Good Luck!

[Ineedadrinkor2or3]

Hi cloud,

I really enjoy the ambiguity and lack of punctuation throughout. It leaves interpretation very open. Anyone who reads it out loud is able to make the poem their own and leave the listener to find their own meaning. Potentially, making the title all lower case would add to the overall feeling of going against the grain.

Personally, I would like to see a version of this with punctuation, just to see where your mind takes it.

[QDeathstar]

A Sense of Discomfort


man spits on the cringing world
he's seen nothing he can't understand would prefer "seeing nothing"
which has made him madder I understand the need for rythm, but which has made comes off as wordy. "which still makes" perhaps.
than what his mother made him
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

Nice short piece. Thabks.

[Persadia]

Hi Cloud,
I like the overall effect of the poem - it gives a sense of a man's feelings of disdain and contempt toward the world, which seems to have come from same feelings toward his mother early on in his life.
What I don't understand is the meaning of L6 within the context of the poem.  Are you trying to say that this man realized early on his mortality and shortness of life and as a result this made him angry and fearful?  Or am I over-analyzing it?
I agree with previous comment about considering changing L2 to: "seeing nothing he can't understand".  Or even "doesn't understand" which might convey cynicism as well??
I also enjoyed the absence of punctuation, though a period after "mind", before "insane" would create dramatic effect if you're interested in going for that.

Very thought provoking poem.  Thank you for posting.

A Sense of Discomfort

man spits on the cringing world
he's seeing nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

[tony3]

I liked this. for me it is the writer's voice that comes through and makes this poem work. There is something acerbic here that I like. A real closeness with the contrary ideas of not understanding and then having questions that are easily answered at the end. It works for me. It's layered. It comes full circle. I am sure there is something I could say that might need improvement, but for now nothing comes to mind.

[Hannah]

I really love the images you use. A few other people have mentioned punctuation. I like it as is but it just might be interesting to see what how punctuating the sentences changes the way it reads. Maybe you will end up not liking it, but it might be worth experimenting with the ways you can direct the reader through punctuation.

[Thomas Sanders]

The only dislike I have for the poem is the line: 'man spits on the cringing world'. I think it should be change to: ' "a" man spits on the cringing world.', so to imply a single persona; since the verse revolves around one persona. 

What I like about the poem 'know-it-all' dilemma it describes, since it gives a valuable reflection of our today's world where almost everyone wants to be too intelligent and/or too powerful. What I also like about the verse is the fluid flow of structure of the lines towards a clear conclusion. It also finds strength in its subjective and authentic depiction of the dilemma. 

Improve on your weaknesses. Continue to develop your strengths. Keep up the great work!

[PondWater]

A Sense of Discomfort


man spits on the cringing world
he's seen nothing he can't understand
which has made him madder 
than what his mother made him
putting him to bed
to a story of time's turning hand
molesting his mind insane
like asking a child questions
to answers he already knows

So Im new to all this, here are my thoughts... Its wonderful that you have fit so much contrast and conflict and freedom in such a short smooth and wrapped up poem. The anger and finality of the man, made real and relatable by the imagery of childhood, and tied together with some inescapable conflict, it feels hopeless in some strange calming way to me. The title adds some perspective i think, just a sense and only discomfort really... 

I wonder, did it alone make him madder than his mother did in comparison, or did his mother make him mad and it then made him more mad?

For me L7 could use another look. It seems unnecessary in such a short poem. I guess it does discomfort the childhood element, but it doesnt seem to fit with rest, which is so innocent and fragile. That powerful flip from love to hate is what i enjoyed.