Assurance (Senryu)

[dukealien]

Assurance


I tiptoe, mornings--
quiet as your dog because
I know you love her.

[Seraphim]

I wonder how this would work, possibly adding a second level of interpretation/meaning, if you moved the em-dash to the beginning of the third line, and put a comma after ‘morning’...

...or possibly move it after ‘dog’.

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This one’s fun to play with lol.

If you consider moving the em-dash, might consider eliminating ‘because’ and replacing ‘dog’ with something like ‘bassett hound’ - a quiet dog which completes the syllable count/meter and adds a bit of detail to the image (perhaps not desirable in Japanese short forms).

I like the basis of this. I’ll shut up now.