Attack (revised)

[SpruceMoose]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

[rowens]

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted

The play with the rhythm and rhyme here 
and the running up the back instead of the down the 
chill here is going up. Not down



Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling

Something about the next line broke,
but I'm not yet ready to say it's bad



Under insurmountable

Under insur
Unstop
I am


Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered




Tensely remembering
Your touch

Your thoughts are dancing on sounds

Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

There's a strong sense of sound and intertextual, maybe, unconscious, flow here

[micah3801]

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul i want something other than "running" here...it sounds too close to rolling for me personally. humming? what sound does it make? feeling? 
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered really, really enjoy these line breaks. 
Tensely remembering
Your touch and boom! this explosive reveal of the subject is amazing, super into it 
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones all this, for weary? i feel there is a better descriptor out there, something a bit more violent

really enjoy this piece, there are a couple words i would change for my own phonic reasons which i have explained above but overall, i greatly appreciate you putting this feeling to words.

[SpruceMoose]

Thank you both for your feedback, I made some changes and posted the revised version above my oroginal in the opening post. 
Further feedback is always appreciated!

[71degrees]

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems

Eliot's start of the Prufrock poem is the best example of an extended metaphor in the history of poetry. Read it. And then read it again. About 25 times. It will help you with the start of this poem which is redundant, full of cliches, and abstract. You could say the same thing in about three lines.

I grew up in a train town, listened to them every evening when I was a kid b/c I slept on a porch one block from the railroad yard. Real trains sound nothing like this. Go find a rail yard. Park your car and really listen to what a billion pound train sounds like. It ain't 'unstoppable weight' or 'jarring and unwanted'.....

[SpruceMoose]

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems

Eliot's start of the Prufrock poem is the best example of an extended metaphor in the history of poetry. Read it. And then read it again. About 25 times. It will help you with the start of this poem which is redundant, full of cliches, and abstract. You could say the same thing in about three lines.

I grew up in a train town, listened to them every evening when I was a kid b/c I slept on a porch one block from the railroad yard. Real trains sound nothing like this. Go find a rail yard. Park your car and really listen to what a billion pound train sounds like. It ain't 'unstoppable weight' or 'jarring and unwanted'.....

I disagree. I have always lived in one train town or another.  They are very much jarring and unwanted, and the screeching... oh the screeching. 
I will read the poem you referenced though, thanks for the tips!

[Wjames]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track The rhyme sort of sets a light, limericky tone to the start of the poem that is the opposite of the feeling in the rest of the poem. I think it would probably be stronger without the rhyme here.
Jarring and unwanted I think your reply to 71degrees can be instructive here. "Jarring and unwanted" isn't really something tactile a reader can feel. You mention "screeching" in your reply - when I read that word, it's concrete and real, I can hear a screeching train in my head. That image of that sound is "jarring and unwanted" to the reader in itself, and would communicate that more effectively. I think you should try to show the feelings a bit more rather than telling them - it's usually much stronger.
Cutting through the whole of my soul 
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance 
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down 
Trusses trembling I like these two images.
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered I like this image, a little jarring, but good.
Tensely remembering
Your touch 
Refusal was no refuge I think building a little tension for the reader, letting them wonder what it's all about, and then revealing here was good.
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

Hey SpruceMoose, just some thoughts after a few reads.

[busker]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track ...I don't think the simile works. An 'angry' train with its loud siren is the opposite of a silent chill
Jarring and unwanted  ... these are weak adjectives. The simile might have its weakness, but it's a relatively tangible one, while 'jarring' et al are cliched and generic
Cutting through the whole of my soul  ... very cliched
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden ... alliteration is used for sonics, or for over-the-top comic effect. In this instance, it is confusing.
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight  ... the alliteration is out of place again, but the image is a nice one. There is also consistency in the juxtaposition of the train with the narrator's difficulties
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch  ...I like it that you have saved the 'reveal' of what it was that caused the chill etc to the end. There is a consistent metaphor throughout.
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again  ...again, alliteration
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging  ...I would avoid the 'chugging' cliche as steam trains have been out of common use for over 50 years now. Overall, the train image lacks authenticity.
Along my battered bones  ...I like the bones / track consistency of the image.



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

Hi Spruce - some things to ponder about. A good poem.

[SpruceMoose]

I really appreciate the feedback guys, keep it coming.
I am open to a lot of the points given here, but its going to take some simmering.
Have you ever had a poem that just sat for months or years before you felt it was 'finished?'
That's what this poem might be for me. XD

[busker]

I really appreciate the feedback guys, keep it coming.
I am open to a lot of the points given here, but its going to take some simmering.
Have you ever had a poem that just sat for months or years before you felt it was 'finished?'
That's what this poem might be for me. XD

Finishing can take hours, days, months, or years. It depends on when you hit upon the right solution.
So no pressure on posting a new version.

Also, in the end it is you who decides what works and what doesn't work for your poem. The crit is a signpost.

[Gerryswo]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back

Like an angry train clacking down a track   This comparison doesn't quite sit right with me. Trains are not angry. Additionally, the word clacking doesn't really                                                                     have any angry connotations. The two words kind of cancel each other out. Maybe something like "like the jarring                                                                     thumping of an approaching train."

Jarring and unwanted                              I though the passage could use some commas at the end of each line. 
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west                            I wonder if this line is necessary. Souls don't really have compas points.
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden                             I feel like the burden needs to be described here.

Mapping out history's problems                 This sentence seems to drift from your train metaphor
There is no sense in solving

Iron nailed down                                                                        
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight                                   Here it feels like you've shifted your metaphor from that of a train to the bridge over which it travels. A bit confusing                                                                  to me.

I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again              Nice wordplay here, using similar words and word sounds to get the reader's attention.
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones                              I liked your poem's narrative and its general flow, but I thought it drifted a little bit and could use a little tightening.



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

[Pebbel~Lady]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered


Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

---

The first lines are so beautiful; they really grab your attention with the imagery and the way it just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. perfect opener. I cant really say much about this poem in terms of critique, mainly just because I love it???? The edits you made to the original are really well-placed and helps accentuate the insurmountable weight of anger the person is feeling. well done!! 

[TrevorConway]

Hi SprooseMoose,

I wonder if presenting things in a more fragmented manner would give this a more interesting tone. There's also a few bits I'd suggest deleting (see the parts I put in bold) to avoid diluting the freshness of the language and give a tighter feel overall. Have a look at some of the changes are made, and see if anything works for you.

I hope it's helpful in some way.

All the best,

Trevor
 

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems[,]
There is [N]o sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable [u]nstoppable weight
I am [d]ismembered[,]
Tensely remembering
Your touch[.]

[Stanza break]

Refusal was no refuge[,]
Shrill screams through silence again[;]
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones[.]

[CircleWalker]

[quote="SpruceMoose" pid='270877' dateline='1725583130']
Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones

Hi Moose,

There is a lot to like here, especially in this revised version and now that I have read this numerous times. I have a few suggestions. Please remember this poem is your voice. Your message. Don't let me or anyone else take that from you. You are the first audience.

On the opening. The rhyme feels forced and out of place with the rest of the poem. Of course, openings are often the hardest part. And as some others have opined, "clacking" is sort of awkward.

Consider this:

A chill runs up my spine
An angry train pounding down the track

Line 4 seems somewhat wordy.

Instead of:

Cutting through the whole of my soul

Consider:

Slicing my soul (or Slicing through my soul)


Line 9, "There is" interrupts the flow IMO.

Maybe consider this (or something similar):

Mapping out history's problems
Without sense in solving (or With no sense in solving)

Line 16, "Tensely remembering". "Tensely" seems inadequate to me to reflect what is apparently being felt.

I'm not sure what the best word is. Maybe consider:

Rawly or Achingly or brokenly (I'm really not sure)

OR consider a change in the line order:

I am
Dismembered
Your touch
Achingly remembered (or relived)


Line 18, "Refusal was no refuge".

Consider simply:

Refusal no refuge


Line 19, "Shrill screams through silence again". "Shrill screams" seems somewhat redundant or over the top to me.

perhaps consider, maybe 2 lines, maybe only 1:

The silence shattered

By incoherent screams



In closing,

I really love the line breaks and the brevity of most of the lines.

Additionally, I like alliteration, which has been used by many poets and writers. 
I hope I haven't said too much. Use some of my suggestions or ignore them as you will. Thanks for sharing this. Keep up the good work.

Blessings,
CW