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04-08-2013, 02:46 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-08-2013, 02:49 PM by Wjames.)
A higher power
within us all.
White purple flower,
absorbing all
the memories.
Cubicles
of wasted years
await me.
Lunchtime,
ham and cheese.
Sunshine,
smiles are free.
Time is money,
for what it’s worth.
While it’s still sunny,
I’ll love the earth.
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
"Cubicles
of wasted years
await me.
Lunchtime,
ham and cheese."
for me, that was the poem. I found the rest either confusing (why a white purple flower and where is it? and how does it absorb memories?) or cliche (the last 3 stanzas).
but that middle part made me smile. if I were you, I'd scrap the rest and develop that. good luck!
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
Thanks for the read, I liked it :-)
But I was confused about the 'white purple flower' in the first stanza. To me it seemed abstract and I didn't know where it fit in.
"Cubicles
of wasted years
await me.
Lunchtime,
ham and cheese.
Sunshine,
smiles are free."
I really liked those stanzas. To me that was the essence of the poem.
I don't think the last two stanzas were bad at all, they just didn't seem to fit in all well with the rest.
- Volaticus
