Angela

[71degrees]

Dead these ten
years

White smoke, angel
wings

A birch tree
cross

[ChristopherSea]

Hey 71,

This is almost like a bittersweet (beautiful and tragic) senryu,
but with line breaks. I almost questioned them until I asked myself if
‘years/wings/cross’ carry enough weight to stand by themselves. My answer:
Yes, they do. I can see the death of a loved one in those three words.

My only other comment is that, if you are striving for brevity,
you could dispense with ‘these,’ ‘and’ (substitute a comma)
and ‘for her.’ Not much advice (it's that good).

Thanks for sharing./Chris

[71degrees]

Hey 71,

This is almost like a bittersweet (beautiful and tragic) senryu,
but with line breaks. I almost questioned them until I asked myself if
‘years/wings/cross’ carry enough weight to stand by themselves. My answer:
Yes, they do. I can see the death of a loved one in those three words.

My only other comment is that, if you are striving for brevity,
you could dispense with ‘these,’ ‘and’ (substitute a comma)
and ‘for her.’ Not much advice (it's that good).

Thanks for sharing./Chris

Thanks much for your comments. Appreciate. Edited a bit.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello 71-

In a short piece like this, I'd suggest taking out more words:

White smoke, angel
wings

A birch tree
cross

Dead these
ten years


With so few words to go on, I stumbled at " white smoke, angel" because (to me) it created a competing image, as I don't necessarily equate "white smoke" and "angel". I suggested eliminating "angel" because "angel wings" is not as powerful an image (for me) as "white smoke wings". The abstract works better on my eyes.

I suggested moving "ten" to L.2, since it goes with "years", and leaves L.1 simply "dead".

Short ones are always difficult, and gauging a reader's response make them even harder. You'll also note that I suggest moving S.1 to the end.

All that said, the piece does evoke a sense of loss, due to its sparseness.

... Mark

[71degrees]

Hello 71-

In a short piece like this, I'd suggest taking out more words:

White smoke, angel
wings

A birch tree
cross  

Dead these
ten years


With so few words to go on, I stumbled at " white smoke, angel"  because (to me) it created a competing image, as I don't necessarily equate "white smoke" and "angel".   I suggested eliminating "angel" because "angel wings" is not as powerful an image (for me) as "white smoke wings".  The abstract works better on my eyes.

I suggested moving "ten" to L.2, since it goes with "years", and leaves L.1 simply "dead".  

Short ones are always difficult, and gauging a reader's response make them even harder.  You'll also note that I suggest moving S.1 to the end.

All that said, the piece does evoke a sense of loss, due to its sparseness.

... Mark

Thanks, Mark. A couple of suggestions I like.