12-31-2017, 04:02 AM
(12-09-2017, 04:14 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Pleading With an Ibid's Hem
The dream began as they often do:
familiar dread, unfamiliar place—
children with the names I gave them,
ages flouting linear time. wondered about leaving out linear and just write "ages flouting time"
Men stood in rows like solemn corn—
a marching band missing a routine and music— why "routine" i think music alone would do
with Paul Ryan's slicked black All-American hair, here i thought you might omitt "with" and continue "matched navy blue suits./ his placid eyes followed..."
matching navy blue fitted suits,
and placid eyes that followed
the golden bullet gleaming overhead.
Their eyes were drawn in time i like this hint, unsettling slow-motion.. made me feel how time would slow down in the moments before disaster
along its line through the sky,
tuning to the mastery of a new conductor,
mouths slung open the way they slack for my taste slack seemed too much like describing something that doesn´t need this much description in the light of events. it might be distorting sense, but i imagined something like "..turning to the mastery of a new conductor,/ consciousness lost through mouths slung open"
when the mind abandons consciousness.
There was no warning but mine, i´d leave out "but mine" too, i think it distances readers who might have similar fears. maybe you could make the warnings impersonal like "no warning was heard/ there was no sign/from yahweh- no ark"
or sign from Yahweh—
no rainbow or prepared ark.
They never looked down or to the side,
so they didn't see us wash away.
...
